All my listening, breathing, and checking in led me to pain. Pain that needed to be heard and honored. Pain that needed to offer wisdom. Friday night I fixed myself a gin and tonic, whipped out my journal and listened. To be honest, I’m still listening. There’s a lot to hear.
Given that I spent a great deal of the week building up to…. pain… I sucked at checking in. Instead of checking in, I was triggered and checked out. It was a stinky week, compounded by a lack of sleep. I don’t do well when the children don’t sleep.
This week, I look forward to coming back to myself by checking in more and napping <3
Let’s see what comes up <3
This week, my goal is to check in with myself more. I often beat myself up for not hearing my emotions, but I don’t really make great efforts to stop and hear them. I can notice when I am eating my emotions, or when I am projecting them. By then it’s a bit too late. I don’t want to continue to play catch up with myself.
To create more space to hear my emotions this week I’ll focus on:
1. Remaining fully grounded and present in my body. When I can tangibly feel my emotions I often respond quickly and effectively.
2. Creating moments of quiet check in. This is a good opportunity to introduce the boys to meditation. Even just taking a few deep breaths can help connect us to ourselves.
3. Take a moment before beginning to eat to check in. I often whiz through meal times when they are a great opportunity to fully engage the body <3
4. Go to the bathroom more and breathe deeply while I’m in there 🙂
Let’s see what happens next.
So… shit is hitting the fan again. Oddly enough no trees are involved. There are plenty of spiders and some cats, but no trees. I’d blame France but…. this was inevitable.
As I continue to wade through all the emotions that have surfaced ( because I actually seem to be listening) I’m realizing a few things:
1. 9 times out of 10 I usually know the truth about a situation. I either choose to deal with it or not. If I choose to ignore our truth it comes back to be dealt with later. When said truth comes back– it is often accompanied by anger and betrayal. It feels bad to know that I knew better and now others will suffer from my poor decisions.
2. Emotions are so helpful in moving energy. If you can hear what your emotions want from you, you know what you really want. Once you know what you want, you can focus on it and have it.
3. Sensitivity is a good thing. I often get cranky because I sense and know things. However, I’m learning that knowing helps me be more compassionate with others. Now, it doesn’t mean that I don’t get mad. But it does mean that I won’t be going to jail this week 🙂 It’s a miracle 🙂
We’ll see what comes from this. Hopefully some peace and ease <3
All my work with the trees has brought me into deeper connection with myself. Its been amazing, but quite challenging. I’ve found that I am great at listening to everyone else’s voice but mine. I can hear myself fine, but I don’t really listen. When I don’t honor my own wisdom chaos eventually ensues.
In hopes of increasing the peace, I’ve decided to focus on digging deeper into myself. For the next few weeks I’ll be practicing integrity. In this case, integrity means wholeness or unity. My intention is to bring a deeper sense of internal unity by honoring parts of me that I don’t listen to.
This will be an interesting journey. Let’s see what comes up.
This morning I woke up so mad. I would love to act like I didn’t know why I woke up so angry, but I can’t. See what had happened was, someone told me something I had a clue about, but I refused to see. (Yes, Spider showed up to laugh and point at me.) As I continue to process what I was told, I want to kick my own ass for not listening to myself over the years.
Sadly there is no space for kicking my own ass these days, so here’s what I’ve learned from this joyful little experience:
1. Just because I choose to ignore my emotions, doesn’t mean they go away. They resurface covered in anger, frustration and hurt. Who wants to be ignored– especially when you are trying to help?
2. If I am focused on someone or something else, I am stuck and not really honoring my feelings. Who or whatever is usually a good clue about what my feelings are showing me. My feelings bring me closer to myself. They do not pit me against others.
3. The more I give myself space to feel and honor my emotions, the easier to support others in the same process. I notice that I am a much more patient mother when I listen to myself. The boys are usually easier on me too <3
All this anger has brought me closer to myself. By rooting into the feelings underneath my anger, I’ve been reminded that I need to better respond to my intuitive nudges. When I feel something is off– I need to lean into why. Even if I don’t want anything to be off.
Well, see what had happened was… a lot of shit.. No really, a lot of shit happened. It got a little crazy and I stopped connecting. I stopped connecting because I forgot to breathe. I had no space to breathe. It was painful. It still is a little painful.
Oddly enough, the few moments when I did have space breathe, I was filled with such loving wisdom. It was amazing.
What I’ve learned this summer, is that it’s important to breathe. It’s important to relax. When I breathe and relax I can hear. When I can hear, I can make honest decisions that work for me and my family.
I’ll pick up the reconnection series in a bit. But for now, I’m going to breathe and receive all the wisdom Nature has to offer me today <3
Be good to yourself
I’ll be honest. This week really kicked my ass. Grounding into Mother Earth through my feet wasn’t too hard. At least once a day, I’d check in with my feet. Then, I’d inhale down into Mother Earth and exhale back into my feet. This practice was great for bringing me back to the present moment and connecting me to my body.
Now that I’m in my body, I’m challenged by a few things:
- I really need to relax. The more I continued to breathe into Mother Earth, the more I realized how tightly wound I am. I love the idea of going to relax somewhere, but that ain’t happening. Returning to a more vigorous yoga practice and laying off the caffeine is a good start.
- I need to be more receptive. Even my breath is a bit aggressive. It leads me back to the fact that I really need to calm down.
- It’s time to move back to France. I felt in my bones that something big was coming. It no longer feels right here. I didn’t expect France to call us in. France is wonderful, but I love living here. I don’t want to go. However, I know it’s for the best.
Since deciding to move back to France, my eating has gotten a little out of control. I am eating my resistance. I’d rather not gain all my postpartum weight back. Next week I will focus on a grounding and calming yoga practice while challenging myself to connect to Mother Earth through mindful eating. Once a day, I’ll check in with how I am feeling before I decide what to eat. Then, I choose what to eat based on my emotions. I’ll match my moods to healthy foods. It’ll be entertaining <3
Until next week, Take Precious Care!
I love practicing magic. I love harmonizing with plants, crystals and astrological phenomena to bring more love into life. My challenge these days is finding time, energy and space to do so. It’d be beautiful to plan rituals in harmony with the moon, seasons and current events. My mind is buzzing with things I’d love to do. However, my inspirations don’t often manifest; which makes me sad.
There isn’t much time for leisurely planning magic. I am busy with play dates, pre school, little folk deciding they ain’t sleeping, cooking, cleaning and whatever else needs attention today. When there is time, I don’t have the energy.
Even though I want to be doing more, I can see that now is not the time. Now seems like a time for remembering, learning and researching. The three year old heads into preschool this year. Things won’t be like this forever. So I’d be wise to make the most of this time. Here is what I’ve been doing to incorporate a little magic into daily life.
- Candle Magic
- Herbal floor washes
- Grounding and connecting to Mother Earth every morning
I can be thankful for opportunities to practice skills today that will build tomorrow. Or I can be surly. I’ll probably do both <3
Until next time, Take precious care,
So, I have some questions…
What do I do when I realize that the ways in which my husband “hurts” my feelings is more about what I’m not doing for myself than what he’s not doing for me? Suddenly, I can see how most of my issues with him have always been about my lack of self regard. He’s shown me how to love me better.
What do I do when I realize that many of the things that I need to do for my own sanity I never learned how to do? I see resentment at the boys and frustration with Motherhood starting to raise it’s ugly head. How can I really resent them when I am busy hiding behind them? Mothering is a thing, but my work comes easy to me. I can do much more than I am currently doing without too much trouble.
What I am I supposed to do now that I realize that I am parenting the boys the way I wished that I was parented? I tell one truths he may not be ready for. The other one I won’t let out of my sight. I’m not sure three year olds are ready to understand colorism and the other one needs to learn how to nap alone. Why am I not considering who they are at the soul level (er whatever that shit really means) more? Meh.
It’s beautiful to realize these things, but I’m not quite sure what to do with them. How do I apply this wisdom? Do I pray to Mother Earth for help and then look appropriate flower essences? Is this something my ancestors can help me with? Can I magic my way out of this? Should I search for appropriate soul pieces from previous lifetimes to help or contact my future self? Damn, what do I actually have time, money and energy to do?
*Sigh* I have no idea what to do. All I know is that the eighth month old is fussing while the toddler is engaging in water play. No one has had a nap. Hopefully the calvary (hubby) is on his way home soon.
Hooray for eclipse season…kinda 🙂
Take precious care
One day I woke up off. It felt like I was being driven by an unknown, unidentified deep seated fear that I’d not dealt with before. It inhabited the core of my being and violently radiated outward, like rhythmic earthquakes.
Was it the stress of being a SAHM with two young kids? Nope, this feeling was different from the special cocktail of exhaustion, stress and anxiety I enjoy on the daily. Nope. Could it be the fact that our ac went out or that the water filtration system was flooding? Nope, this feeling wasn’t related to money, change or the fact strange men were coming in and out the house. This feeling in my gut was more insidious than any temporary stress because it constantly drove me from the present moment. I could receive guidance but I couldn’t actually feel my connection to Mother Earth, which was killing me.
I cleaned the house. I re-grided the house. I visited the woods. I felt much better and then suddenly worse. I researched and purchased numerous crystals, prayed to Archangel Michael and started petitioning all that is divine and sacred to keep us all safe.
Then my Father asked me to slow down. He reminded me that safety is something that comes from the inside out. It comes from a connection Mother Earth. It comes from a connection to the Divine. It comes from being able and willing to hear the Divine who loves us, protects us, guides us and cares for us. Even though we all have agreements (that are constantly in negotiation) about when and how we will die, being safe is an inside, personal job.
Purchasing shit will not keep me safe. Our government won’t keep me safe. The police won’t keep me safe. Neither will guns, machetes or baseball bats named hotsauce. Shit, even as a parent, I can only keep the boys safe to a certain extent. (This is a fact I am coming to terms with.)
As I continue to freak out over recent events and what I feel coming down the pipe, I am constantly guided to remain grounded and connected. What keeps me safe, what will help us stay safe is connecting with the Divine.
We’ll see how things evolve. I hope the present Eclipse season is being good to you <3