Reconnection Challenge: Week 3 Essential Self–Again

Why again? Because last week kicked my ass. Honestly, the past few weeks have kicked my ass.

I would love to say my essence bubbled up easily and I was able to focus on it every morning until it oozed out my pores. What actually happed is that the trees gave me some qualities I had fun playing with in the shower. The rest of the day usually went to shit from there.

This week I’m going to try again. It feels good to know who I am at the core of my being. I need to focus on it more by making decisions that better align with and support it. I am learning that intention and energy is beautiful, but action is necessary. Feelings are nice, but I’d like concrete experiences to go along with all my feelings.

I’m not quite out the woods with my drama, but I am exploring concrete actions that align with my essential self (core frequency). Things are starting to ease up and feel better. Let’s see what unfolds from here.

The Reconnection Challenge: Week 2 Essential Self

This week, my challenge is to become more rooted into my essential self….um whatever that is. The trees around me describe it as their treeness. That description makes sense and confuses me at the same time. I’m human. There’s all these things I ascribe to who I am. When I think of Jeannette Lancien, I think sleepy Mother who laughs and cooks a great deal. I think of a loving wife and good friend. There are millions of things I think about until I am gently reminded that those are things I do. They are not who I am. If all those things were to change, I’d still be me–that is my essential self. It’s not what I do. It’s who I be.

I asked how do I root into the essence of who I am? I am told to breathe, be still and smile. Who I am will bubble up to the surface. I must admit that answer sounds much more like my Father than the trees, but let’s see what happens <3.

This week my challenge is to slow down and root/ground into my essential self.  Before getting out of bed and before preparing meals, I’ll take a couple of deep breathes into my belly and see what bubbles up. When I can feel myself, I will move from there

Let’s see what comes up <3

Oh yeah about last weeks eating challenge. It wasn’t too terrible, but it wasn’t great either. I have idyllic memories of being twenty something and vegan in the South of France. My memories and the present moment are two different things. Vegan bullshit is now abundant in France. I’m also not just cooking for myself and my husband (who eats just about anything with gratitude) anymore. Sadly, my kids are not into eating only veggies and don’t eat unless I’m eating what they are eating with them. So… eating better..meh. I was able to cut out milk products and limit the gluten. I’m hearing more; which was the goal. I’m overall satisfied but there is always more work to do.

Let’s see how next week goes!

 

 

 

Welcome to Saint Maur Des Fosses, Ile de France

Lot’s has happened since the last time I posted anything. Let’s see:

  1. Gave birth to a healthy baby boy
  2. I finally found some mouse poop
  3. A headless mouse appeared in the garden
  4. We moved back to France.

It feels odd, yet good, to be here. The boys are thriving, my husband is happy and we are supported as a family. Minor adjustments aside, things are good and magical.

My French intuitive self functions a bit differently than my American intuitive self. I’m all green here—which is a change for me. I receive advice from trees. Flowers take care of me while teaching me how to take care of them. Crows openly laugh at me and rodents remind me that they are around for support if I need it.

Feeling interconnected with nature is different than connecting with ancestors, ghosts, angels, or anything else. I feel loving wisdom around me that does not require work to access. I really have no need to suffer because there is continual access to a blissful green space that transmutes my pain and transcends my understanding. I find myself in awe by the love, beauty and wisdom that surrounds me every day.

As life continues to unfold in amazing ways, my gifts are changing. Let’s see what happens next.

Connection Challenge: Week 4

I’ll be honest. This week really kicked my ass. Grounding into Mother Earth through my feet wasn’t too hard. At least once a day, I’d check in with my feet. Then, I’d inhale down into Mother Earth and exhale back into my feet. This practice was great for bringing me back to the present moment and connecting me to my body.

Now that I’m in my body, I’m challenged by a few things:

  1. I really need to relax. The more I continued to breathe into Mother Earth, the more I realized how tightly wound I am. I love the idea of going to relax somewhere, but that ain’t happening. Returning to a more vigorous yoga practice and laying off the caffeine is a good start.
  2. I need to be more receptive. Even my breath is a bit aggressive. It leads me back to the fact that I really need to calm down.
  3. It’s time to move back to France. I felt in my bones that something big was coming. It no longer feels right here. I didn’t expect France to call us in. France is wonderful, but I love living here. I don’t want to go. However, I know it’s for the best.

Since deciding to move back to France, my eating has gotten a little out of control. I am eating my resistance. I’d rather not gain all my postpartum weight back. Next week I will focus on a grounding and calming yoga practice while challenging myself to connect to Mother Earth through mindful eating. Once a day, I’ll check in with how I am feeling before I decide what to eat. Then, I choose what to eat based on my emotions. I’ll match my moods to healthy foods. It’ll be entertaining <3

Until next week, Take Precious Care!

J

 

 

Connection Challenge: Week 2

For this week’s challenge, I am going to focus on something simple: yard work.

I really love yard work. It’s a great way to connect with Mother Earth. There is nothing more exciting than offering plants all they need to flourish in harmony. Although yard work can be challenging with a toddler, I’ve had quite a few magic moments. The most important thing seems to be preparation. When I calm, focused and have plan things go well.

So, with the intention of reconnecting to Mother Earth, I will mindfully prepare the yard for fall. I will trim the bushes, herbs and the tree according to their desires and not my own. I will be patient in planting the new snapdragons and foxgloves, so that they can find the best spot in the yard. And I will be careful in how I include the children in this work.

Last week I didn’t get to spend too much time in nature 🙁 But since school is back in, I’m sure I can get some yard work done 😀

Hope all is being good to you

J

 

Stay at home Conjure: Rodents and hot sauce

Last Saturday night I awoke to what sounded like scratching in the bedroom wall. I immediately woke my husband. He trudged outside and scared whatever it was away. However, the next night it came back. The noise was louder this time. We knocked on the walls and contemplated what to do. My husband went back to sleep while I staid up to freak out. For me, rodents evoke fear frustration and guilt whenever they show up. I always feel like they are coming to claim me as one of their own.

I sheepishly admitted to a friend that I am secretly a rodent. I’m intuitive, skittish, habitual and fertile like mouse. I am playful and magical like chipmunk. I’m sociable, determined and wise like rat. I feel guilt when rodents arrive to chew on walls outside the house because I rarely embrace these parts of myself.

Since I was afraid of living with mice, rats or whatever was chewing on the side of the house, I did what I normally do. I asked for assistance for creating ritual, called pest control and then got some flower essences 🙂

Over the past few days some things have become clear:

  1. I am at my best in ritual to clear stuff up. My intuition has sharpened.
  2. Mother Earth will clearly guide you. Squirrels, stink bugs, chipmunks, hummingbirds, and well placed words have all brought me comfort and clarity this week.
  3. Rodents are kinda awesome. I am a fan. They still can’t come in the house, though.

And as I continue in ritual, I’m noticing that I dig a combination of Conjure and Green Wicca. Conjure is in my bones. It’s my default. I love it. It scares me though. Conjure gives me access to power I’d rather not have. I ain’t about cursing, hexing and giving folk STIs. That’s some heavy karma. I also get angry reading conjure books because I hear dead black folk laughing at the instructions given in books. Some of the sources lied and continue to giggle about it. I also get angry seeing white faces as the representatives of what is essentially a Black and Native American art. All that being said, conjure will keep your ass safe and ensure you have all you need. It’s conjure that helped me hot foot whatever was eating at the walls. Wicca did not help me with that.

I like the idea of Green/Hedge Wicca laced with Conjure. Sometimes asses need to be kicked. Conjure is good at that. At the end of the day, I think I just need to do what Mother Earth tells me. I don’t need a label.

I hope all is well with you. Until the next time, take precious care

J

 

 

 

Water water everywhere

Over the past few weeks we’ve had quite a few adventures with water. It all began with the air conditioning going out. Which doesn’t sound like it’s related to water, but the big of chunk of ice that formed in one of the pipes begged to differ. Next, I spilled a beverage on my Mac. Finally, our water filtration system decided to get in on the action and start overflowing.

At first I thought about the water deity I had been petitioning. Then, I realized that I hadn’t been the best with my emotions lately. Things had been backing up and hardening into resentment. I had feelings that needed to flow; to be expressed.

I would love to say that I am all expressed out and that things have stopped flooding. That wouldn’t be fully honest though. :). However, I have been inspired to be more vulnerable in my communication. I am learning to ask for what I need rather than sit in resentment. I’m also learning  to talk about how I’m really feeling instead of sugar coating everything. The result has been a stronger, closer connection with my husband and more clarity in my friendships.

Hopefully I can keep up with the flow of honoring my emotions in the present moment.

Until next time, take precious care.

ISO: Sweetness

I sniff the sweet tea steaming on the stove and decide to add more sugar. I need something with just the right amount of diabetes; something sweet enough to prevent me from raiding the eldest son’s jellybean stash. I’ve been out of control lately. So out of control that I’ve been eating gluten too. Normally I avoid gluten. I know that gluten isn’t sweet, but it is good. Foods with gluten break me out and give me a spare tire. They’re also super fucking good.

So, why am I eating sweetness that rots my teeth and gluten that clogs my digestion? I have lots of different reasons:

  1.  I want more physical and emotional space. I feel like if I eat enough, I can create a safe space for me to hide in my body where no one will find me, ask me shit or want to suck on me.
  2. Did I mention emotional space? The eldest is three. He’s going through all sorts of big emotions, working through expressing his will and figuring out how to communicate. I often spend so much time trying to help him process and work out his shit, I don’t have time or space for mine. His shit reminds me of mine. The same is true for the youngest. By the end of the night, I’m exhausted and there doesn’t seem to be space for sorting out my own shit.
  3. I’m fucking tired and my body hurts. I’ve returned to my yoga practice and that has helped. However, my body is wrecked and my eyes are red.
  4. A civil war rages on within me. There are parts of me that want to Mama the fuck out. That part needs no personal time or space. It just needs to be loving, cooking, cleaning and tending. There are other parts that want Mama-me to hold the fuck up. There are rituals to prepare for, a business to re-establish, friendships to water, herbs to care for and a whole other host of shit to do outside of fucking with my kids.
  5. Did I mention that ritual freaks me out a bit? Don’t get me wrong, it feels right for me to do and I’m excited about it. I just wish that I had more space and quiet to hear. The odd thing is that my ears are full. More so than usual. I hear my ancestors, a few old friends and other things that watch me. More so than usual. It’s nice but also…. well.. a little more intense than usual 🙂 At least my dream life has calmed down 😀

Too much discord and a lack of space to sort it out leads me to eat. I eat to remind myself that I’m not processing my life. I eat to remind myself that there is sweetness in my life, but to enjoy it I need more balance. I eat to ease the pain of abandoning myself to care for people and situations outside of myself. I need to honor more of myself than just the part of me that is mother to the boys.

I am a full human being. I deserve expression outside of cooking, cleaning and playing with children.

We’ll see how things come together <3

Take care of yourself

J

Marriage as a Mirror : Self Love & Expression

I want to start this post when I met my husband, but it goes further back. The roots of this post are in my childhood. Quite often, I had to abandon myself to feel loved. Who I was was not acceptable. So, the parts of me that didn’t fit and that weren’t loved had to go. I never learned to love myself whole.

When I met my husband (Frenchie), I was teaching lots of yoga around the city while working at a charter school. My life wasn’t perfect, but it was manageable. At this point, I had begun to hear voices, see the Earth breathe and was working with it. I had no desire to be with Frenchie or anyone else. I’d just gotten out of a 2 year relationship and didn’t want any sort of love affair. My plan was to go to the west coast and slut it up. A few weeks after meeting Frenchie, he sat down on my sofa peered at me with his big green eyes and said: “where are we going”. You see, he was returning back to France in a few months. I don’t remember what I said, but I’m pretty sure I was non committal. Six months after being non committal, I was boarding a plane to France. The rest is history.

Or not. History lives in the present moment. It constantly repeats until we learn from it. My lesson is that I don’t have to abandon myself to be loved. I don’t have to bury, shed, destroy aspects of myself to be loved by someone. Yeah, France was fun. I continued to connect with the Earth and have all sorts of intuitive adventures. I learned French and taught yoga. I ate, drank, danced and made friends. It was beautiful. However, I left large parts of me here to do that.

Today we live in a beautiful house in suburban dc with the most awesome children. Frenchie loves his work and I am at Stay at home Mom. As I navigate wifely, motherly and household duties, I realize that I am missing something. I am missing myself. All the aspects that I swore I buried, ignored or set to flame are popping up like dandelions. I miss the self I never knew. However, It’s a completely different thing to pull myself together with two kids than when I was young and free. If I love myself, I need to do it.

Here are my commitments to myself:

  1. Forgive myself: I wish I could have not abandoned me. I did though. I need to forgive me and make different decisions in the present moment.
  2. Have compassion for myself: I didn’t know that I didn’t have to give up me to be with him. Now I know. I can make different decisions in the present moment.
  3. Express myself: I need to do and be all the things are are in me to do and be. Then I need to love me as I am. I can also trust my husband to love me as I am.

None of this shit is easy. The youngest is 6 months old and teething. The oldest is three. I hoped to go through this shit in a about 2 years. Oddly enough life had different plans <3

We’ll see what emerges from here<3

Be good to yourself,

J

Attachment to crazy

Here I sit…

With a six month old sleeping on my back and a three year old spending the morning at summer camp I ponder my attachment to crazy.

How many times do I choose stress, anxiety and doing too much over joyful simplicity? How many times do I put too much on my back and on my plate to with the hopes of feeling like a “good mother”? Shoot, how many times do I deny myself support in hopes of feeling like a “good mother”? What are the boys learning from my choices?

Sometimes I make stress inducing decisions in hopes of satiating “little me”; meaning I choose things that I missed as a kid. Other times, I’m moving too quickly to see the results of my decision. Or, I just think that this is the way that Motherhood is and I should just get the fuck over it. In this moment, I am realizing that nothing has to be any specific way.

In this moment, I can see that when everything has it’s place, peace is the result. My challenge is allowing things to find their space so that peace can flow.

Do I allow space to hear how to best structure life? Do I allow wisdom to guide my parenting? Am I committed to peace or attached to the idea that Mothering has to be a stressful struggle?

Who knows. All I know is that in this moment all is well and I am glad.

Hope all is good with you <3