What’s My Magic For….

I often ponder what the hell I am here to do. I’ve always felt like I needed to be of some type of service. My challenge in life has been figuring out what service really is. I’ve got all this magic, what is it really for? What am supposed to be doing with it?

When I was younger, my magic seemed to be for making my dreams come true. This worked until I realized that the dreams I was living weren’t really my dreams at all. They belonged to someone else. I wasn’t being honest with myself. So my magic became about self discovery and reclaiming myself. I practiced lots of yoga, did lots of energy work and played with herbs. All this resulted in finding a place where I could be of service to the community and to friends. I understood what I brought to the table and relished sharing it. Unfortunately, life shifted and I lost myself. It was hard to let go of who I was because I didn’t know who I was becoming…. until I became pregnant. Suddenly, my magic wasn’t just for me anymore. It was a gift to those share; which brings me to the present moment.

My magic, Mama magic, is love. It’s love that protects, nurtures, comforts, harmonizes, cares for those in need.

 

Until the next time, be good to you

J

 

Stay at home Conjure: Rodents and hot sauce

Last Saturday night I awoke to what sounded like scratching in the bedroom wall. I immediately woke my husband. He trudged outside and scared whatever it was away. However, the next night it came back. The noise was louder this time. We knocked on the walls and contemplated what to do. My husband went back to sleep while I staid up to freak out. For me, rodents evoke fear frustration and guilt whenever they show up. I always feel like they are coming to claim me as one of their own.

I sheepishly admitted to a friend that I am secretly a rodent. I’m intuitive, skittish, habitual and fertile like mouse. I am playful and magical like chipmunk. I’m sociable, determined and wise like rat. I feel guilt when rodents arrive to chew on walls outside the house because I rarely embrace these parts of myself.

Since I was afraid of living with mice, rats or whatever was chewing on the side of the house, I did what I normally do. I asked for assistance for creating ritual, called pest control and then got some flower essences 🙂

Over the past few days some things have become clear:

  1. I am at my best in ritual to clear stuff up. My intuition has sharpened.
  2. Mother Earth will clearly guide you. Squirrels, stink bugs, chipmunks, hummingbirds, and well placed words have all brought me comfort and clarity this week.
  3. Rodents are kinda awesome. I am a fan. They still can’t come in the house, though.

And as I continue in ritual, I’m noticing that I dig a combination of Conjure and Green Wicca. Conjure is in my bones. It’s my default. I love it. It scares me though. Conjure gives me access to power I’d rather not have. I ain’t about cursing, hexing and giving folk STIs. That’s some heavy karma. I also get angry reading conjure books because I hear dead black folk laughing at the instructions given in books. Some of the sources lied and continue to giggle about it. I also get angry seeing white faces as the representatives of what is essentially a Black and Native American art. All that being said, conjure will keep your ass safe and ensure you have all you need. It’s conjure that helped me hot foot whatever was eating at the walls. Wicca did not help me with that.

I like the idea of Green/Hedge Wicca laced with Conjure. Sometimes asses need to be kicked. Conjure is good at that. At the end of the day, I think I just need to do what Mother Earth tells me. I don’t need a label.

I hope all is well with you. Until the next time, take precious care

J

 

 

 

Consumerism vs Connection

Ever since the rodents showed up, I’ve been on a bit of a tear. My altar has expanded. There are more altars around the house. I’ve recommenced cleaning and clearing practices that I haven’t used since my time in France. My yoga practice has restarted in earnest. And yet something feels off about my spiritual practice.

I’ve noticed that I’ve been buying all these things lately: semiprecious gemstones for griding the house and amplifying certain energies, statues, different colored candles for spells, lots of books and all sorts of herbs. Oddly enough, many of these things used to be with me. But when I moved to France, I let most of my spiritual accoutrement go.

Although it feels good to be “back” and to have the things I miss working with, I still wonder about the need to possess so much stuff. Is my connection to the Divine dependent upon whether I own a statue of Krishna, or is Krishna in my heart? Do I want to court and remain deeply connected to energies and entities that demand constant upkeep and worship that I am not sure I am always able to give? Did I mention the many altars in the house?

When I make offerings to my ancestors they often want me to tone it down. They remind me they don’t need so much and that we need to keep some for ourselves. They know the struggle of budgetary constraints with children. At the same time, I love them and can’t help but want to give. So I usually do.

However, my Grandmother (Mama G) has me wondering whether I am confusing actual spirituality with the trappings of consumerism. Having all the things really doesn’t matter, she offers. She says what’s in my heart and how I allow that to move me is what’s most important. I feel the truth of this in my bones and wonder whether most of my recent purchases come from guidance or a feeling of disconnection.

I mean, if I really truly felt secure in my connection, would I need to buy all the things? Maybe not, or maybe so. Who knows. I guess the point is that having all the things don’t bring me any closer to God. God is already within my heart. You can’t get much closer than there. I just need to relax and remember before I end up on Amazon.

Hope eclipse season is being good to you <3 Until next time

J

 

 

Pre-Eclipse Questions.. that need answers

So, I have some questions…

What do I do when I realize that the ways in which my husband “hurts” my feelings is more about what I’m not doing for myself than what he’s not doing for me? Suddenly, I can see how  most of my issues with him have always been about my lack of self regard. He’s shown me how to love me better.

What do I do when I realize that many of the things that I need to do for my own sanity I never learned how to do? I see resentment at the boys and frustration with Motherhood starting to raise it’s ugly head. How can I really resent them when I am busy hiding behind them? Mothering is a thing, but my work comes easy to me. I can do much more than I am currently doing without too much trouble.

What I am I supposed to do now that I realize that I am parenting the boys the way I wished that I was parented? I tell one truths he may not be ready for. The other one I won’t let out of my sight. I’m not sure three year olds are ready to understand colorism and the other one needs to learn how to nap alone. Why am I not considering who they are at the soul level (er whatever that shit really means) more? Meh.

It’s beautiful to realize these things, but I’m not quite sure what to do with them. How do I apply this wisdom? Do I pray to Mother Earth for help and then look appropriate flower essences? Is this something my ancestors can help me with? Can I magic my way out of this? Should I search for appropriate soul pieces from previous lifetimes to help or contact my future self? Damn, what do I actually have time, money and energy to do?

*Sigh* I have no idea what to do. All I know is that the eighth month old is fussing while the toddler is engaging in water play. No one has had a nap. Hopefully the calvary (hubby) is on his way home soon.

Hooray for eclipse season…kinda 🙂

Take precious care

J

Fear & Intuition

One day I woke up off. It felt like I was being driven by an unknown, unidentified deep seated fear that I’d not dealt with before. It inhabited the core of my being and violently radiated outward, like rhythmic earthquakes.

Was it the stress of being a SAHM with two young kids? Nope, this feeling was different from the special cocktail of exhaustion, stress and anxiety I enjoy on the daily. Nope. Could it be the fact that our ac went out or that the water filtration system was flooding? Nope, this feeling wasn’t related to money, change or the fact strange men were coming in and out the house. This feeling in my gut was more insidious than any temporary stress because it constantly drove me from the present moment. I could receive guidance but I couldn’t actually feel my connection to Mother Earth, which was killing me.

I cleaned the house. I re-grided the house. I visited the woods. I felt much better and then suddenly worse. I researched and purchased numerous crystals, prayed to Archangel Michael and started petitioning all that is divine and sacred to keep us all safe.

Then my Father asked me to slow down. He reminded me that safety is something that comes from the inside out. It comes from a connection Mother Earth. It comes from a connection to the Divine. It comes from being able and willing to hear the Divine who loves us, protects us, guides us and cares for us. Even though we all have agreements (that are constantly in negotiation) about when and how we will die, being safe is an inside, personal job.

Purchasing shit will not keep me safe. Our government won’t keep me safe. The police won’t keep me safe. Neither will guns, machetes or baseball bats named hotsauce. Shit, even as a parent, I can only keep the boys safe to a certain extent. (This is a fact I am coming to terms with.)

As I continue to freak out over recent events and what I feel coming down the pipe, I am constantly guided to remain grounded and connected. What keeps me safe, what will help us stay safe is connecting with the Divine.

We’ll see how things evolve. I hope the present Eclipse season is being good to you <3

 

 

ISO: Sweetness

I sniff the sweet tea steaming on the stove and decide to add more sugar. I need something with just the right amount of diabetes; something sweet enough to prevent me from raiding the eldest son’s jellybean stash. I’ve been out of control lately. So out of control that I’ve been eating gluten too. Normally I avoid gluten. I know that gluten isn’t sweet, but it is good. Foods with gluten break me out and give me a spare tire. They’re also super fucking good.

So, why am I eating sweetness that rots my teeth and gluten that clogs my digestion? I have lots of different reasons:

  1.  I want more physical and emotional space. I feel like if I eat enough, I can create a safe space for me to hide in my body where no one will find me, ask me shit or want to suck on me.
  2. Did I mention emotional space? The eldest is three. He’s going through all sorts of big emotions, working through expressing his will and figuring out how to communicate. I often spend so much time trying to help him process and work out his shit, I don’t have time or space for mine. His shit reminds me of mine. The same is true for the youngest. By the end of the night, I’m exhausted and there doesn’t seem to be space for sorting out my own shit.
  3. I’m fucking tired and my body hurts. I’ve returned to my yoga practice and that has helped. However, my body is wrecked and my eyes are red.
  4. A civil war rages on within me. There are parts of me that want to Mama the fuck out. That part needs no personal time or space. It just needs to be loving, cooking, cleaning and tending. There are other parts that want Mama-me to hold the fuck up. There are rituals to prepare for, a business to re-establish, friendships to water, herbs to care for and a whole other host of shit to do outside of fucking with my kids.
  5. Did I mention that ritual freaks me out a bit? Don’t get me wrong, it feels right for me to do and I’m excited about it. I just wish that I had more space and quiet to hear. The odd thing is that my ears are full. More so than usual. I hear my ancestors, a few old friends and other things that watch me. More so than usual. It’s nice but also…. well.. a little more intense than usual 🙂 At least my dream life has calmed down 😀

Too much discord and a lack of space to sort it out leads me to eat. I eat to remind myself that I’m not processing my life. I eat to remind myself that there is sweetness in my life, but to enjoy it I need more balance. I eat to ease the pain of abandoning myself to care for people and situations outside of myself. I need to honor more of myself than just the part of me that is mother to the boys.

I am a full human being. I deserve expression outside of cooking, cleaning and playing with children.

We’ll see how things come together <3

Take care of yourself

J

The infinite present

Man, rolling with two kids is kicking my ass lately. All the things seem to always need to be done right now. Even as I type, I fear Overlord #2 waking and demanding more milk. Somehow 40+ minute of nap time tittay ain’t enough. He’s a big boy and nurses like one. I digress.

Let’s get to the point, shall we. I have been a surly somebody the past few weeks. When I visited home and intuitively sensed what I sensed it was exhilarating and familiar. I miss spending my days seeing the unseen. I miss doing arcane magical shit. I absolutely adore it.

Before popping out son number one, I had all sorts of magical adventures. Now a days, the practice has changed. Everything is practical and tangible. It’s practical like feeling what is tunneling under the house,  discerning whether to take action and then backing my in-tuning up with research. Notice, I have not contacted Mother Earth, called anything in or threatened anything yet. I haven’t even talked to my ancestors about it. My life is so very boring 🙁

I can’t get used to how working intuitively has changed. I no longer have space to call in elements, smudge, toss herbs and pray 45 minutes before asking questions or doing shit. Ohhh the ungrouded, non practical, ethery goodness that was my spiritual practice. Now, I have to stay grounded and work in the present moment without extensive ritual. I also have to trust myself to pick up what I need to pick up.

Working in this way has made me sharper. I discern things much better and am seeing a bit more than before. However, I do miss the excitement of talking to dead folk, working with soul pieces and playing in different spaces. Such is Motherhood. With two boys, it’s helpful to actually be fully present. We’ll see what happens next.

 

Be good to yourself.

J

 

 

What’s next…conjure..maybe

I sat and listened to my relative. My eyes bulged. I started to sweat and for the first time in a while my intuition kicked in. I could sense “the green”, or various nature spirits listening in on our conversation. I noticed an entity attached to my relative looking at me and could see/feel some of the phenomena they described enduring.

Always in the know, my eldest boy decided to see what Mommy was doing. Somehow the playground with Daddy wasn’t so exciting anymore. My conversation ceased, my intuition turned off and I went back into Mommy mode. It was lunch time anyway and we could only stay here discussing this for so long. Besides, I didn’t have any of my accoutrement with me. There wasn’t much I could do in a park during the daytime anyway. My mind wasn’t blown by what my relative said, but by how long they had endured and that my obtuse ass hadn’t picked up on it earlier. We related. Why am I only hearing this now?

I spent the rest of the day spinning, planning and plotting. On the ride back to where I, my husband and sons were staying, a potion to make for my relative came to me. It should be applied to the hands and feet daily and nightly. I also pondered what could be discreetly done to clear space and whether I should covertly do some work to help the situation. I also thought about what ancestors to ask for help because there is a lot going on. For the rest of the trip I focused on holding sacred space. On the way back home my mind spun. It spun It spun It spun. When it stopped,  I was a bit in awe.

I freaked out. How did a potion come together so quickly and easily? It was like breathing. I call myself a herbalist, but I don’t really care about medicinal application (heh heh). Possessed or Cursed? I can help. Shit, I’m excited to help! Even before studying herbalism I remember asking hyssop for help with my own deposession work, which is a long entertaining story if you are into that sort of thing.

I love this part of me; this arcane self that knows and does interesting shit. The type of shit you do when God or Nature is working with you to set things right. Old black shit that runs through my veins and coils in my dreads. Shit that feels like it has been flowing through me and my folk for quite a few lifetimes. However, to be honest, this part of me scares me.

I don’t know how she fits into raising children, going to the grocery store, giving my husband blow jobs and mundane shit like that. Oddly enough though, she’s all I ever wanted to be. She laughs with plants, dances with the wind and listens to the stories of her ancestors. She does things because Mother Nature, her Grandmother/father or a Deity asked her to. She doesn’t really move for anything/one else. Fuck, I love her. She’s so self possessed. I just don’t know where she fits, comes from or how she emerges. I guess if flowers bloom in their own time, she will too.

*sigh*

Take Precious Care over there

J

 

 

Personal Power & The Scorpio Full Moon

So, I’ve been chewing on selfish… Chewing, chewing and chewing. What surfaced is personal power expressed as love.

If I could summon the personal power to lovingly ask for what I want/need, I wouldn’t need to be selfish. Meaning, there has to be some way to get what I need in a manner that’s harmonious to all involved. It’s possible to have my needs met without being selfish. This can only happen when I am empowered by love.

Without love, my expression of personal power can override the needs of others. Without love, I will feel guilty to even having needs. All things seem to come together in love.

When I have energy and space to hear, Imma fan of conjure and ritual. So a little something to do for the May 10th Scorpio Full Moon popped up. Scorpio loves power. It also loves dredging up and resolving any lingering bullshit. I have issues around personal power and asking for what I need.

For this little bit of fun, it seems best to work with a couple of tumbled stones. As it stands now, I’ll combine rose quartz, tiger’s eye, and soladite in a mason jar with some fresh water and honey. The jar will sit out in the sun/moon light from the 7th-10th with the intention of connecting my sense of personal power with love so it may be harmoniously expressed.

Things change on the daily and there are children involved. We’ll see how this comes together.

Take precious care of yourself.

Jeannette