Marriage as a Mirror : Self Love & Expression

I want to start this post when I met my husband, but it goes further back. The roots of this post are in my childhood. Quite often, I had to abandon myself to feel loved. Who I was was not acceptable. So, the parts of me that didn’t fit and that weren’t loved had to go. I never learned to love myself whole.

When I met my husband (Frenchie), I was teaching lots of yoga around the city while working at a charter school. My life wasn’t perfect, but it was manageable. At this point, I had begun to hear voices, see the Earth breathe and was working with it. I had no desire to be with Frenchie or anyone else. I’d just gotten out of a 2 year relationship and didn’t want any sort of love affair. My plan was to go to the west coast and slut it up. A few weeksย after meeting Frenchie, he sat down on my sofa peered at me with his big green eyes and said: “where are we going”. You see, he was returning back to France in a few months. I don’t remember what I said, but I’m pretty sure I was non committal. Six months after being non committal, I was boarding a plane to France. The rest is history.

Or not. History lives in the present moment. It constantly repeats until we learn from it. My lesson is that I don’t have to abandon myself to be loved. I don’t have to bury, shed, destroy aspects of myself to be loved by someone.ย Yeah, France was fun. I continued to connect with the Earth and have all sorts of intuitive adventures. I learned French and taught yoga. I ate, drank, danced and made friends. It was beautiful. However, I left large parts of me here to do that.

Today we live in a beautiful house in suburban dc with the most awesome children. Frenchie loves his work and I am at Stay at home Mom. As I navigate wifely, motherly and household duties, I realize that I am missing something. I am missing myself. All the aspects that I swore I buried, ignored or set to flame are popping up like dandelions. I miss the self I never knew. However, It’s a completely different thing to pull myself together with two kids than when I was young and free. If I love myself, I need to do it.

Here are my commitments to myself:

  1. Forgive myself: I wish I could have not abandoned me. I did though. I need to forgive me and make different decisions in the present moment.
  2. Have compassion for myself: I didn’t know that I didn’t have to give up me to be with him. Now I know. I can make different decisions in the present moment.
  3. Express myself:ย I need to do and be all the things are are in me to do and be. Then I need to love me as I am. I can also trust my husband to love me as I am.

None of this shit is easy. The youngest is 6 months old and teething. The oldest is three. I hoped to go through this shit in a about 2 years. Oddly enough life had different plans <3

We’ll see what emerges from here<3

Be good to yourself,

J

Personal Power & The Scorpio Full Moon

So, I’ve been chewing on selfish… Chewing, chewing and chewing. What surfaced is personal power expressed as love.

If I could summon the personal power to lovingly ask for what I want/need, I wouldn’t need to be selfish. Meaning, there has to be some way to get what I need in a manner that’s harmonious to all involved. It’s possible to have my needs met without being selfish. This can only happen when I am empowered by love.

Without love, my expression of personal power can override the needs of others. Without love, I will feel guilty to even having needs. All things seem to come together in love.

When I have energy and space to hear, Imma fan of conjure and ritual. So a little something to do for the May 10th Scorpio Full Moon popped up. Scorpio loves power. It also loves dredging up and resolving any lingering bullshit. I have issues around personal power and asking for what I need.

For this little bit of fun, it seems best to work with a couple of tumbled stones. As it stands now, I’ll combine rose quartz, tiger’s eye, and soladite in a mason jar with some fresh water and honey. The jar will sit out in the sun/moon light from the 7th-10th with the intention of connecting my sense of personal power with love so it may be harmoniously expressed.

Things change on the daily and there are children involved. We’ll see how this comes together.

Take precious care of yourself.

Jeannette

Third trimester shenanigans: Jinx

So, forget what I said about sleeping because the last few nights have been hit or miss ๐Ÿ˜€

Here are the revelations not sleeping has brought me.

  1. When Lil Boo doesn’t sleep, I can’t sleep. There could be a myriad of reasons why the boy ain’t falling to sleep. It could be because he’s been a bit sick lately. It could also be due to the fact that our house has been filled with stress from my husband’s work and guilt from me not being the active, play-all-day-Mother I’d like to be. He could also be outgrowing his 8pm bed time, or just sensing the impending doom of not being the only kid in the house anymore. Either way, I watch him actively refuse to nap or wait for me to come and re-tuck him in at night before he finally settles down. Shit makes me sad and anxious ๐Ÿ™
  2. When my emotions are backed up, I can’t sleep. Somehow I forgot that my father’s death-anniversary is less than a month away. As I carry another son, I can’t help but feel some kind of way knowing that my father won’t get to meet this one. It breaks my heart. Lil Boo met his grandfather. Lil Boo#2 won’t. *sigh* Not to mention, I have never felt more surrounded by death. People have been posting about late term abortions, infant loss, babies being choked out in Wal-Mart. Facebook is a minefield of shit I don’t want to see.
  3. My pregnancy hormones have kicked in and I am feeling all sorts of evil. When I do actually sleep, I still feel tired, overwhelmed and like I don’t want to be bothered with shit. I love the little life inside of me, but the transition from one kid to two is a bit unnerving. There are so many what-ifs floating around my head. I completely respect and honor 1 and done ๐Ÿ™‚

When I wake up feeling all of this, I just feel it. 3am is really the only time I have to process, so I enjoy the space to actually feel without interrupting myself. When I am done listening, I find my mind wanders from my body. I drift into sleep peacefully.

We’ll see what pops up next.

With all the crazy about these days, be sure to take precious care!

J

Mommying Mommy: I love my Mommy Issues

I remember preparing to get pregnant with Little Boo. I worked so hard to get through, what I considered to be my “shit”. Specifically, my shit is an accumulation of habits, attitudes, perspectives and patterns I used to get through childhood. The shit was helpful then. It really ain’t so helpful right now. I worked with intuitives, saw a shaman, prayed, read, went to therapy. I did all I could to “heal” myself of this pain I’ve been feeling for so long.

Little Boo finally came. We moved from the west coast to the east coast. I watched my father die of cancer. I started working again. Life moved on and expanded beyond my Mommy Issues. But somehow, like always, I am here again with this pain. It stirs within me. It grabs my attention and wrestles me to the floor. It takes me over and I succumb to it; forgetting who and where I am.

Here I am again with this pain in my chest. Here I am again preparing to do battle with a part of me that.. maybe I should not be fighting. I mean, if something grabs my attention from within me– it must have something important to say. I am learning to listen. If something is tugging at my pants leg because it wants me–it must need me. I’m working on stopping and loving it. Slowly I am learning to stop fighting my pain. It has something for me and I don’t need to fight it.

As I have learned to be kinder to me my pain has calmed down and softened a bit. I don’t only get more pain when I stop and listen to it. Sometimes I get a five year old hugging me from the inside and telling me that everything will be okay. Other times, I get invitations to imaginary tea parties and a strong desire to wear fancy hats.

Since my son is a toddler, sometimes Little me takes the place of pain and plays with my son. It seems to bring everyone involved fun.

Slowly, I am learning to stop seeing pain and start hearing myself. I am learning to attend to and address my own needs. I am learning to love myself and all my little Mommy issues. All I needed to do was to stop fighting myself and start listening.

 

Take Precious Care,

J

Mommying Mommy: Feeling what I am feeling

Because I am no longer able to day drink, I’ve been working on creative ways to be present with challenging emotions that arise while I am with little one….

Things we’ve been doing that seem to work:

  1. Omming
  2. Deep breathing (focus on exhalation)
  3. Singing

Things that don’t seem to work:

  1. Thinking about my emotions*
  2. Snapping at lil Boo

*I want to note that thinking about my feelings is quite different than actually acknowledging them. I notice that I have a tendency to actually judge whatever I am feeling rather than just feel it. For me all my feelings are bad and thus should not go any further than bubbling up from the depths. I’m working on that though ๐Ÿ™‚

Slowly but surely I learning to Mother myself as I am attempting to Mother Little Boo. I will let keep you posted as things unfold.

 

Take Precious Care

J

 

Still in the body: Emotionally Constipated

Damn ya’ll, I have hit a big snag in my mmmmm… voyage into the body. My emotions are literally fucking me up.ย I was in pain.

No, really I was in break-out the whiskey and bite a stick because you are about to cut something off pain. It started as a twinge in my right hip. I thought it was due to a little bit of rough housing combined with improper alignment during my yoga practice. So, I shifted my yoga practice, stopped rough housing with my son and had confidence that the pain would go away.

It didn’t. Not only did the pain increase, it started to rise up into my lower back. Meaning whenever I woke up in the morning, I rolled out of bed scrunched and hunched over on my right side and could barely walk. It took most of the morning to warm my body up and picking up my son was out of the question. Try not picking up a toddler ๐Ÿ™ To let me know that it was serious, my body started waking up at God-awful hours and not going back to sleep until 10 minutes before my alarm. No herbal concoction could bring me good sleep. Only NyQuil would do and even with that shit I was up at 5-ish.

In the midst of all this physical pain and frustration, I forgot to feel my feelings. I never checked in. I mean I kept grounding chakras and shifting around my yoga practice which offered some relief. But, it took me a week or so to actually stop and feel my feelings.

My emotions (and I have lots of them) have a way of pooling in my hips and lower back. When I refuse to pay attention to what I am feeling, this is usually where pain starts and increases until I listen. If I am super stubborn (and I am) my sleep starts to mess up. When I wake early and my hips throb– that is my clue to just let my feelings flow. So, eventually I did just that.

What did I hear? I heard all sorts of nasty stuff ๐Ÿ™‚ Rage, frustration, pain from many moons ago. All sorts of things that I have ignored over the years because it has been easier to bury my feelings underneath food, dick, alcohol and/or good weed over the years than to actually feel anything.

All this listening and feeling has led me to another book. I know, I am a sucker for heal your bullshit books. But, my lower back has stopped hurting and my hips are less cranky. There is hope for me yet ๐Ÿ™‚

Until next time, Stay warm and be good yourself!

J

 

Update: Still in the body.. still working it out

The more I am in here, the more I notice things. Some of these things, I’ve known but buried because I didn’t know how to deal with them. Other things.. well I am only recently seeing for the first time. Here’s what I’ve been noticing lately.

  1. My physical alignment is wonky ๐Ÿ™‚

I have this funky little inward rotation going on with my right leg that extends up into my torso. This is something I’ve known for a while, but have forgotten. I first discovered this when I had a regular ashtanga practice a couple of years ago. Which makes me wonder how long I have been physically neglecting my body. The more physically engaging my yoga practice becomes the more I am learning and remembering about how my body best works.

2. Parts of the childhood me that want to be witness are very like an upset childlike: intense and unrelenting.

This full on nature of an emotion or feeling that wants to be witnessed helps me determine the best way to process what I am feeling. I process emotions that are grounded in the present moment differently than how I process things coming up from the past asking to be witnessed. I would love to say that motherhood gives me all the time in the world to process everything that comes up, but I’d be a damned lie ๐Ÿ™‚ What seems to be helping most is staying in my body, nap time and a regular physically engaging practice.

 

3. The holidays have me sooooo triggered.

I would say everything from Thanksgiving on has had me on fire in some way. All these memories and sensations hide behind present events intensifying everything. This shit has not been easy. Staying present in my body has not been easy. I have been losing myself in fantasy, watching all sorts of tv and eating gluten like it’s going out of style. These are my adult ways of coping with not being able to deal with the pain I feel. I want to say that I am doing something magical to get through. I’m not ๐Ÿ™‚ I am seriously fucked up and trying not to spread it around ๐Ÿ™‚ We’ll see what comes up.

 

That’s what’s going on in here. So, what’s going on in you?

 

Update: Working through Terror, Panic and Anxiety

Now that I have been consciously working with grounding myself in the morning, enjoying a lovely combination of nettles, oat straw, rhodiola and lemon balm and doing my best to remind myself that I am no longer a kid (that’s a lot) things have eased up a bit. Well, kinda ๐Ÿ™‚

I would not say that I am miraculously healed or something. But I would say that I have a few tools and coping mechanisms that help calm me when I am triggered. The entertaining thing is that I am triggered by quite a lot. However, if I can remember to stay here and now, while holding space for whatever feeling is surging, being triggered becomes useful. I can actually bear witness to why I hurt. In the past few days I’ve developed a great deal more compassion for myself and others. In one way or another, we are all working through something.

Here are a few other observations:

1. ย Grounding is so much easier when I start with my third eye.ย We all ย have a dominant (or a few dominant) chakras. The third eye is mine. She gets things done. If I start grounding by working with her, things usually go easier.

2. My adrenals are on strike. Somehow, I don’t really blame them. Even before my father died, I was constantly engulfed in some sort of heavy intense emotion. If I wasn’t overwhelmed by emotion, I was enraged at life for some reason or another. All that pushing; all that stress takes a toll on the body. For the past year or so, my low back has been off. Although some of the yoga ย I did helped, nothing eased it like drinking the tea mentioned above. It did the job fairly quickly too!

3. My weight is an indicator of my mental health.ย  Since having my son, I’ve been my checking my weight regularly. At first is was because I felt anxious to lose baby weight. But as the weight slowly came off, I began to notice when I put on a pound or three. Sometimes it was because of my period, other times is was because I was making crazy food choices. I generally enjoy a healthy diet; at least when I am feeling sane. I only eat crazy when I am in pain. If I am pain, why and what can I do to fix it?

That’s about all for now. The more I commit to being in my body, the more I learn about what I can do to make my body a pleasureful place to be.

Take Precious Care,

Jeannette

 

The day I forgot to take my herbs…

Every morning, I wake up, grab a cup of steaming hot water, load myself up with tinctures and head to the shower. Except Saturday, I forgot to….

Nothing crazy happened. I taught my yoga class. I made dinner for the week. I talked to a good friend and texted another. Saturday was a productive day.

But Saturday was the first day I really felt myself in a long time.ย ย While cleaning the collards I could feel my anxiety. I could feel my fear. I felt like I always felt; even before my father’s death.

I have an exhausting combination of fear and anxiety that constantly hums in the background. It’s always waiting for something to bust loose. Underneath the fear and anxiety is the feeling that I am a horrible, horrible, terrible, no good person. When everyone finds out, they’ll feel cheated by me. As I tore the collards along their veins, they asked me to be nicer to myself.

I sighed. I grounded. I breathed more deeply and wondered why the fuck I was on five different tinctures and whether it was all helpful; especially if I still feel like a piece of shit. Don’t I need to feel my own pain to heal it?

This pain, this old familiar pain, is different than the grief I feel over my father’s death. This shit, is the shit I’ve felt since… forever. However, it is because of my father’s death that I have space to heal it. His death has given me space to make new decisions about how I live life. I can face myself and life differently. Death can bring you life if you are determined to live.

Today, I am determined to live. I will ease up of the crazy amount of chill out tinctures I take. I will ground fully into my body. I will face my own fear and anxiety. And I will live…. at least for today ๐Ÿ™‚ Tomorrow is always a different story.

Rose Hip Syrup for grief & illness

A back log of unexpressed grief has manifested as a sinus infection. To be honest, this sinus infection has been a long time coming. The flow from winter to fall in combination with rampant consumption of gluten and cheese, topped off with unshed tears and the joys of Motherhood.

I’m a fucking mess ๐Ÿ™‚ But thankfully, my good old buddy rose is with me. Inspired by this recipe right here, I am conjuring up some rose hip syrup.

My intention is not necessarily to heal myself of a sinus infection, rather I would like to love myself enough to accept all the things I am feeling and be honest about how easy things aren’t right now. A little compassion goes a looooooong way.

This Recipe was my inspiration, but I ended up adding some Hawthorne, Elderberries and Elderflowers ๐Ÿ™‚ I find Elder to always be so good to me.

Enjoy!