In the mud

 

This morning the image of a lotus came to mind.

I imagined it rising up through the depths to flower on top of peacefully muddy water. Then I briefly thought about the many years I’ve been practicing yoga. There really is something to the idea of that whatever I am going through will pass; because it always does. No matter how intense the emotion. No matter how painful the sensation. Everything comes and goes. I never stay in the mud too long.

Like an uncomfortable practice, or too much hot sauce on my greens, I am learning not to identify myself with whatever batch of crazy I am growing through. I am something more permanent that all that swirls around me; changing every day. Slowly I am learning to feel who I am from the inside out and be content in that; knowing that everything that isn’t me will pass away.

Even though I don’t like discomfort, I can learn from it and move on. I won’t stay there.

That is all for today. Until next time..

Take Precious Care

Jeannette

 

 

Mommying Mommy: Somewhere between here and now

Despite my best efforts to be present and grounded, some days I stay in the ether. Even with little Boo, I am there but somehow not.

My attention is with this little part of me holding on. She waits in the mist and wants me to know that she is waiting because when her patience pays off, we will all rejoice.

What is she waiting for? She is waiting from my Mother. In her little suitcase there is a list (among other things that little girls would keep in suitcases). The list details all the things that her, and other parts of me have been waiting patiently to receive from my mother. She has complete faith that one day Mom will show up as the Mother she has always wanted and that they can go have tea. All will be well and I can move the fuck on from waiting..

Now this little girl isn’t alone. She representative of a contingent. There are other little me’s of varying ages all hanging out with lists. Waiting for the Mother they’ve always wanted too. Not to say that I haven’t had (or don’t presently enjoy) Mother figures, but they have their mind set on My Mother. Only she will do. I’ve offered to do for myself what they need. They have no interest in me. Even my husband will occasionally pitch in; whether he realizes it or not. They sigh, shake their head, point to their lists and contracts; obstinately waiting for her.

The fucked up thing is that I know she ain’t coming. My Mother, is a kind loving woman. She is just not the woman…. well…. we have different values, so we don’t really know how to be Mother and Daughter. I don’t know how to be her daughter because, it isn’t in me to behave the way she wants. Usually what she wants from me agitates me.  And well, I’m sure she feels rejected because I want things from her that ain’t in her. I’ve let her know this time and time again. So, instead of coming together and loving each other, we do an awkward dance where both of us end up hurt.

I want to accept the parts of me that are waiting because they deserve my loving compassion. If anything they remind me of what is important to me and how vital it is that I ensure a loving connection with the kids. I want to accept Mother also. I know she can’t give me what I seek, but she is still my Mother. There has to be some way to more fully accept what is, so I can be more present. It’s shitty to be constantly pulled between here and now.

No real solutions today. Only observations 🙂

Until next time.. Take Precious Care

J

Hooray for all the little voices in my head

As I darted around the bedroom this morning an angry voice popped up in my head. She demanded that I take some time to be real with myself about where my business and my life are heading. She was insistent that I take some time to rest. She reminded me that I needed to be more mindful of all the things I take on in the hopes of being loved. These situations rarely turn out how I want/expect. She also said  that I was no good to myself or anyone else if I was constantly on the verge of “fuck it”. I quickly pressed mute on this voice and hurried downstairs. I needed to make Little Boo breakfast and start the day. Everything is fine!

Now.. I so want to say that my disregarding my own wisdom is rare, but it’s not. After spending some time thinking about that voice’s advice today I realized that the voice was right.

1) I am one to volunteer to do some shit in hopes of making friends. Instead of making friends, I become doer of shit that no one else wants to do. (booooooooo!)

2) After caring for my sick husband and Little Boo, I am in dire need of me time!

3) I am on the verge of some major change. Moving forward mindfully would be helpful.

And finally 4) I give myself some excellent advice; especially when it comes to relationships with others. Why am I hell bent on not following it?

I find that I am most likely to disregard my own advice when it contradicts what I think others want from me.  There is a part of me who really wants to be liked and useful–even at my own detriment. In fact I believe that this part of me likes being at it’s own detriment. This way I can act like a martyr if you don’t like me how I want you to. I mean if I can’t be liked, I should at least be a martyr :D. You don’t like me after I sacrificed all this shit for you? How dare you!! I know this sounds familiar to someone reading this post ;D.

But really, I’d like to move into a space where loving myself is more important than what others do. That shit sounds hard and a bit scary, yet liberating. We’ll see 🙂

 

Take Precious Care,

J

 

 

 

Mommying Mommy: Emotional Management

Quite often managing my own emotions in front of Little Boo kicks my ass. In the moment, it’s so much easier to be absorbed in what I am trying to teach Little Boo through words, rather than what I teach him through action. Sadly, I am not always the woman I’d like to be in front of him and don’t always remember to give him a “mommy was showing her ass for this reason today” lecture. The kid deserves an explanation and can handle it.

Slowly, I am learning to give myself compassion and love as I give compassion and love to Little Boo. It feels foolish to expect myself to be perfect and have it all together all the time. I learn the most and the best when things get messy and I have to sort it out. That doesn’t mean I need to create large messes, but I can give myself a little loving compassion when I do. That’s what I would do for him.

It often feels like our emotions mirror one another. When he gets agitated, I get agitated as well, but never for the same reason. There is often a small part of me that wants be difficult, by feeling and expressing it’s own frustration at the same time; as if Little me is fighting for my attention, affection and loving forgiveness. When I have energy I can see and attend to both. I can love him and myself at the same time. In those moments, peace comes quickly.

The challenge is remaining spacious enough to love myself as I would love Little Boo. It’s been quite hard to do so lately. Between nursery school applications, sickness, honey-do’s, and a whole host of shit that ain’t mine but require my energy, my internal space has evaporated. It’s been tough to be compassionate with him or me. Despite all this crap, I keep growing—just like little Boo.

Rather than being the parent who knows everything it often feels like my son is teaching me. Everyday he gently shows me how to love and have compassion for the parts of me that are little. I tell ya, Little Boo is amazing.

Take Precious Care!

J

Dropping into the heart: Learning to see love

Over the past few days, while working with Wild Rose, I’ve had the oddest realization. Love has always been all around me; I just couldn’t see it. I just couldn’t understand, know, receive, perceive or feel love. There was just too much pain.

The pain comes from not knowing who or how I am. I have been lost in enmeshment with others. I confuse my own goals, values and sense of self with theirs. Then I retract in anger when I don’t or feel like I can’t express myself.

When I can honor and express myself, I don’t need to flee from others because they don’t honor who I am. When I have enough space to “let others off the hook” of allowing me to be my by attending to myself, I can see how much I am loved. Now, that doesn’t mean that they ways in which I was/am loved jive with my values, essence, morals or what have you. It doesn’t mean that I always get what I want. But it does mean that I can recognize and appreciate what others are sharing with me while I focus on taking care of myself.

The rub for me has been accepting who I am and how I be, while knowing that it’s okay if others be differently. It’s not my job to “be” for them so they can be happy or be against them so they can be happy. I don’t have to respond to that. It’s my job to be and love me. If we are on the same page about life good; let’s roll. If not, that’s fine too. All things can support and nourish our us if we allow them to. All things are valuable in their own way.

That’s all for now 🙂 Until next time..

Take Precious Care!

Jeannette

 

Still in the body: What it takes to be here

The more I commit myself to fully being in my body, the more I see how badly I treat myself when I am in my body. It ranges from small things like eating gluten when I know my immune system is already struggling and my digestion is sluggish, to large things like not honoring my need for tranquility and taking on things I don’t want to do. There are a million little ways that I disregard my own wisdom, violate my own boundaries and generally fuck myself up only to blame others in anger.

It’s odd. My behavior hasn’t really changed much since my commitment to being more present and engaged in my body. I can just better see how I create my own pain. I understand why I am so dreamy. If I don’t honor my own boundaries and have faith in my internal guidance why even try to engage life? I’m not really living. Fuck it, let’s read manga and watch bullshit all day. I am not really expressing myself anyway; I am only doing/being what others want with the hopes of being loved. Am I really being loved (or being loving) if I am not being myself?

The good thing about this depressing ass turd sandwich is that I can now see how I sabotage myself and my relationship with my body (or myself).  Since I know how I am hurting myself, I can make different decisions and give myself grace when I don’t. Knowing is half the battle 🙂

I so want to leave this in a little “everything will be alright” bow 🙂 It will be alright. Over the past week or so I’ve started working with Wild Rose Flower Essence from Green Hope Farm. I feel more of myself in my body. I feel stronger, more present and much more compassionate. Slowly and surely I will unravel and love my hurt. I’ll get there. We all do.

Until next time.. Take Precious Care!

J

 

 

 

 

 

Still in the body: Dropping into the Heart

Since I am now reading Karen L. Anderson’s book: The Peaceful Daughter’s Guide, working with my body has changed a bit. Somehow my body no longer feels like a foreign entity that kicks my ass for various reasons that make no sense to me.

I can now appreciate my body as an integral part of my being that allows me to participate in life. When I heed it’s wisdom my body offers me all sorts of juicy information about the past, present and sometimes the future. My challenge in life has just been staying with myself, in my body, no matter what is going on. I have a tendency to wig out, forget my body and then come back to it much later than originally anticipated.

Which is why I find Karen L. Anderson’s suggestion of becoming an observer such a fascinating one. As I read it, her intention with this exercise is to support you in noticing what emotions and thoughts arise when you are triggered. If you watch what comes up you learn that it’s possible for you to choose different thoughts, feelings and actions.

I’ll be honest, it’s my first day on this exercise. But I did detect a difference between when I noticed things from my heart and when I noticed things from my head. My heart space seemed to integrate things in a respectful loving way. Everything felt connected, but yet okay as it’s beautiful self. Everything fit together like an amazing mosaic. Each piece is working on itself and yet fits together to create beauty. Even though I did sense a little maliciousness upon occasion, it didn’t feel like I needed to take it personally and engage which is something I usually do. I didn’t fly off the handle today 😀 It’s a miracle!

Noticing things from my third eye or head feels sharp and clear, but also highly prone to change. It’s like being presented with a myriad of choices all at once. When I observe from my third eye it’s easy to get lost in millions of different possibilities inherent in each breath.

I enjoy clear sharp thinking, but Lawd I love the gushy oneness. It just felt all good in my body 🙂 Which is very important given all the pain it’s been through– right?

We’ll see how this comes together!

Be good to yourself!

J

Still in the body: Emotionally Constipated

Damn ya’ll, I have hit a big snag in my mmmmm… voyage into the body. My emotions are literally fucking me up. I was in pain.

No, really I was in break-out the whiskey and bite a stick because you are about to cut something off pain. It started as a twinge in my right hip. I thought it was due to a little bit of rough housing combined with improper alignment during my yoga practice. So, I shifted my yoga practice, stopped rough housing with my son and had confidence that the pain would go away.

It didn’t. Not only did the pain increase, it started to rise up into my lower back. Meaning whenever I woke up in the morning, I rolled out of bed scrunched and hunched over on my right side and could barely walk. It took most of the morning to warm my body up and picking up my son was out of the question. Try not picking up a toddler 🙁 To let me know that it was serious, my body started waking up at God-awful hours and not going back to sleep until 10 minutes before my alarm. No herbal concoction could bring me good sleep. Only NyQuil would do and even with that shit I was up at 5-ish.

In the midst of all this physical pain and frustration, I forgot to feel my feelings. I never checked in. I mean I kept grounding chakras and shifting around my yoga practice which offered some relief. But, it took me a week or so to actually stop and feel my feelings.

My emotions (and I have lots of them) have a way of pooling in my hips and lower back. When I refuse to pay attention to what I am feeling, this is usually where pain starts and increases until I listen. If I am super stubborn (and I am) my sleep starts to mess up. When I wake early and my hips throb– that is my clue to just let my feelings flow. So, eventually I did just that.

What did I hear? I heard all sorts of nasty stuff 🙂 Rage, frustration, pain from many moons ago. All sorts of things that I have ignored over the years because it has been easier to bury my feelings underneath food, dick, alcohol and/or good weed over the years than to actually feel anything.

All this listening and feeling has led me to another book. I know, I am a sucker for heal your bullshit books. But, my lower back has stopped hurting and my hips are less cranky. There is hope for me yet 🙂

Until next time, Stay warm and be good yourself!

J

 

Still in the body: Fear and Anxiety

As part of consistently honoring my commitment to being fully engaged in present moment, I can see things I couldn’t see before. Now, it’s not like I always know what to do with that I am seeing, but when I can see something I have a little more space to make different decisions.

So, what am I seeing you may ask? Presently, I am noticing an intense amount of fear and anxiety when I am not grounded in the present moment. I can dig that my fear and anxiety are protective measures. If I can detect danger or problematic behavior I can avoid it. But not everything can be avoided. I do much better managing bad situations when I am fully grounded and engaged in my body, which is the key to all of this.

I am slowly learning that fear and anxiety are a warning that I am not fully grounded in my body in the present moment. Ungrounded Fear and anxiety come when my imagination has taken me hostage, I’ve been abusing my intuition, or I’m uncomfortable for one reason or another.

On the other hand, when I feel fear and am in my body, it’s a physical sensation that is often is rooted in my belly. When I feel anxious and am in my body it’s either in my head or belly. Not to mention that both fear and anxiety usually come with clear instructions. When fear and anxiety come and I am outside my body, all I get is panic, stress and worse case scenarios. There is nothing tangible to help keep me safe.

Oddly enough, the more I commit to being fully present in the moment, the more it feels like being present is committed to me too. Things only run awry when I abandon myself in the present moment. I am excited to see what comes up next 🙂

 

Take Precious Care!

J