Since my last post, we have moved to Bowie, MD. I am so in love with Bowie. I love Bowie so much that it scares me.
Through a happy daze of settling in, I can’t shake this gnawing feeling that something is about to bust loose. So, I do what I normally do when I am scared but don’t want to admit it. I nitpick. I thought a couple of spots on the walls were mold. They weren’t. Next, I decided to focus on the garden. Nothing but bunnies and butterflies there. Since that didn’t yield a proper emergency, I turn my attention to a couple of holes nestled close to the foundation in the back. Bingo! I have found an emergency.
There is a little
mouse (update: chipmunk) burrow outside of our house. Mice were the reason we left the last place. In panic mode I call pest control. Not satisfied with the suggestions given, I explore all sorts of options for mouse exclusion. I ponder digging a trench across the back yard and placing hardware cloth against the foundation of the house. I ponder drenching the backyard in bob cat urine and peppermint. Then I *silently* ponder ripping out the sink and dishwasher to re-enforce the wall and floor.
After soaking my feet and talking with my husband, who is not ripping out the dishwasher to re-enforce the wall, I realize that I do not fear mice. I fear repeating my past. I fear deeply enjoying all the things that I have ever wanted only to have them ripped from me or fuck it all up myself.
The mice are outside. They are not in the house. My joy has not been violated or shit on. Should that happen, I need to realize that I can handle it. I can rebuild my boundaries and find my way back to happy. It may take a bit, but it is possible. I also need to realize that the past is the past. I’m not there, I am here and now.
All these realizations are cute, but not calming. So, what am I doing to work through the fear? I’m making a play date with little me. I have an idea where this originates. I am going to talk to little me and see what can help her to stop being so afraid. I think I am also going to properly mourn the various losses of life that I’ve experienced.
Most of my freak outs are about unresolved childhood messes; which keeps me in the past. I can see how being fully grounded in the here and now really shifts my ability to deal with whatever is going on 🙂 Once I address little me, can work on some mindful practices to keep me in the here and now.
Oh yeah and Hooray for Chipmunks!
Until next time.. Take precious care!