mouse chipmunk vole saga continues to unwind outside our house, I find myself learning more about fear everyday.
I hate fear. I should live boldly; bravely charging into life. I don’t want to deal with fear. It’s not like listening to fear has actually ever helped me. It usually makes things worse since I can’t fix what scares me. Fear is an annoyance that makes me feel powerless.
My adversarial relationship with fear creates cyclical chaos. Rather than just hearing fear and adjusting, I push it underground. Underground fear leaves me anxious, paranoid, surly, tired and eventually sick.
As I enjoy being sick, I realize I ain’t got time or energy to keep suppressing my fear. I need to listen to it. Theoretically, fear is an early warning system that something isn’t right. What’s wrong with knowing that something isn’t quite right? I am in a different situation now. I can actually act on what is bothering me. As I ritualistically soak the house with peppermint oil, I try to hear what I am afraid of.
I fear being violated. I need better personal boundaries. For me, personal boundaries goes beyond saying no. It’s learning to build relationships that create mutual benefit. It’s learning who to ask for what and being compassionate with whatever response I receive. It’s learning to take things a little slower, so I can see more clearly. It’s also consistently reminding myself that the past has passed. I no longer need to make decisions as if I am still embroiled in chaotic shit. I made it through. I am safe in my vole free home. I can flourish now.
The more minty fresh the house becomes, the more I realize that the voles may not actually want to come in house. They just want a safe space to live breathe and have their being, just like me. Maybe I don’t have to soak everything in peppermint oil. Then I think I’d rather not have a bunch of rodents living, breathing and multiplying so close to the house. I’m ordering more peppermint oil.
Until next time.. Take precious care