Kinda back in the body: Feel the fear

As I continue my journey to being fully engaged in my body in the present moment I feel so much fear. Fear is deep within me. It quietly saps my will and makes everything so much harder than it needs to be.

Fear pools up in my lower back causing pain and a bit of low-key mayhem. Fear tells me I am getting sick. Fear inspires miscommunications with dear loved ones. Fear  prevents compassion for myself and others as we all go through whatever we are going through.

I feel so much fear that I just want to stop, curl myself into a ball and just sleep all day long. I don’t want to do shit. I don’t want to play with my son. I don’t want to cook. I don’t want to socialize or do anything where I can be seen or have to say shit to anyone. I want to hide in the safe space of my imagination. In my imagination there is never anything to fear. I can always imagine again, if I don’t like where my mind is wandering.

This fear, my fear, is old. The time when it kept me safe has came and went many moons ago. I don’t need it anymore. But I keep hanging on to it and it keeps hanging on to me. It even pops up when I haven’t been with it in a while; like it’s an old friend coming to visit.

I want to say that I am doing something to deal with the fear; like there is some magical yoga practice combined with some herb that is eradicating my fear. There isn’t such a thing; not that I’ve found :). Or maybe there is and I am too comfy with my fear.

I know that I get like this. The best I can do is put one foot in front of the other. I’ve shifted my practice to strengthen and ease my aching back. I have been on top of drinking my daily teas. I am trying not to be completely antisocial. I also remind myself that I am no longer in the past, but in the present moment. Sometimes that helps, sometimes not so much. For now, that’s all I got.

I remember the saying feel the fear and do whatever you are going to do anyway. It sounds cute, but not quite as easy as it sounds.

Things  get better though. They always do.

 

Take Precious Care,

J

 

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