Mommying Mommy: Past time Paradise

This morning, a little compassion arrived and I was so very grateful for it. You see, ever since finding out that I am pregnant I’ve been terrified. All these thoughts racing through my head. What if I die in labor? What if we have twins? What if I have to labor in the hospital and shit gets crazy? What if I miscarry? What if What if What if.

It’s been interesting sorting through these thoughts. Some of them, don’t belong to me. They belong to others. These thoughts come from other mother’s experiences. They are stories I’ve heard, or just general pregnancy fear mongering. It amazes me how pregnant women are to remain peaceful and calm when we are told that everything we do will either kill us or our babies.

The thoughts that belong to me, though, don’t belong in the present moment. They belong to the past. I fear this child being taken from me, or that pregnancy be ruined some how. Like so many other moments that were to be joyful, I fear this moment being ruined in some way. I can’t be happy without it being shot to shit.

So, instead of huffing through my morning practice, I took a second to actually hear myself. I heard my thoughts and my fear. It made me so very sad. Sad that I’ve missed out on what should’ve been some joy. Sad that I still feel this way. Sad that I experienced this. It felt like I wrapped my arms around myself and gave myself space to be hurt and sad. It was nice.

It was nice to feel like it was okay to be sad and scared. It was nice to have compassion for me. However, I can’t really ignore these fears. I feel a need to honor my fear through good decisions and strong boundaries. We’ll see what unfolds..

Until next time..Take Precious Care,

J

Leave a Reply

Please Login to comment
  Subscribe  
Notify of