Mommying Mommy: Somewhere between here and now

Despite my best efforts to be present and grounded, some days I stay in the ether. Even with little Boo, I am there but somehow not.

My attention is with this little part of me holding on. She waits in the mist and wants me to know that she is waiting because when her patience pays off, we will all rejoice.

What is she waiting for? She is waiting from my Mother. In her little suitcase there is a list (among other things that little girls would keep in suitcases). The list details all the things that her, and other parts of me have been waiting patiently to receive from my mother. She has complete faith that one day Mom will show up as the Mother she has always wanted and that they can go have tea. All will be well and I can move the fuck on from waiting..

Now this little girl isn’t alone. She representative of a contingent. There are other little me’s of varying ages all hanging out with lists. Waiting for the Mother they’ve always wanted too. Not to say that I haven’t had (or don’t presently enjoy) Mother figures, but they have their mind set on My Mother. Only she will do. I’ve offered to do for myself what they need. They have no interest in me. Even my husband will occasionally pitch in; whether he realizes it or not. They sigh, shake their head, point to their lists and contracts; obstinately waiting for her.

The fucked up thing is that I know she ain’t coming. My Mother, is a kind loving woman. She is just not the woman…. well…. we have different values, so we don’t really know how to be Mother and Daughter. I don’t know how to be her daughter because, it isn’t in me to behave the way she wants. Usually what she wants from me agitates me.  And well, I’m sure she feels rejected because I want things from her that ain’t in her. I’ve let her know this time and time again. So, instead of coming together and loving each other, we do an awkward dance where both of us end up hurt.

I want to accept the parts of me that are waiting because they deserve my loving compassion. If anything they remind me of what is important to me and how vital it is that I ensure a loving connection with the kids. I want to accept Mother also. I know she can’t give me what I seek, but she is still my Mother. There has to be some way to more fully accept what is, so I can be more present. It’s shitty to be constantly pulled between here and now.

No real solutions today. Only observations 🙂

Until next time.. Take Precious Care

J

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