Mommying Mommy: feelings.. nothing more than feelings

Somewhere between seeing my Dead Father’s name a couple of places, learning about the lung cancer vaccine (he died of lung cancer) and my son catching another cold I began to lose it. I feel anxious and like I am slowly coming apart.

No, let me back that up.. I haven’t really been right since both my husband and son got sick at the same time. The only thing that has changed is.. well… my husband isn’t sick anymore 😀

No matter who is sick and what is going on, I treat myself as if my feelings aren’t a big deal or worth a caring response. Feeling like I was wrongly discriminated against shouldn’t be a big deal, for me. I mean the folks who are discriminating against me are the ones punishing them selves–right? Besides, I went to a school for the daughters of the klan and another school named after a confederate general. I mean, insincerity and exclusion is nothing new. Feeling stressed out because Lil Boo is covered in green snot, coughing and has a low grade fever shouldn’t be a problem. His lack of napping isn’t a concern either. Give him some drugs, or pop in him a chamomile, mint & pennyroyal bath. Worried because I have no idea about which nursery school Lil Boo will be attending in fall isn’t a problem. I’ll just keep him with me while you enjoy Lil Boo number #2 because your nerves can handle it. I mean other folks do the same thing all the time you’ll be fine.

My father is dead. I should be over it. My Mother and I are estranged. I should be okay with it. Most of my friends are going through major, heavy life shit and thus ain’t got energy for my whining. That’s okay I can support myself ! Motherhood and Wifedom often require amounts of grace, mastery, love patience and compassion I never knew existed. I should just suck everything up and turn to night drinking.

No matter what I feel, somehow it isn’t enough to warrant any sort of loving, compassionate form of action. Especially when my feelings are in response to the present moment. Feelings that are revelations about days gone by are always welcome. It’s the feelings that come from the here and now that kick my ass. When I feel about the here and now my inner response usually is: Shut it, quit your bitching. Things will sort out. The odd thing is that things do sort out. However I feel like whatever my feelings in the moment are, they deserve some sort of something.

I picked this habit up from somewhere. Now let’s see if I can put it back down. *sigh*

Be good to yourself!

J

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