The more I stay in my body, the more I experience emotions that I would rather not 🙂 It’s a bit intense and I can see why I fly out so much 🙂
Anyway, this post is about anger & jealousy. The more I continue to engage my anger and jealousy the more I am noticing that an unmet need is behind it. Anger is an emotion I feel often and am quite comfortable with. I would say I am almost too comfortable being angry :(– which is why it pops up so much. Jealousy however, I am not as comfortable with. I judge myself when jealousy pops up. When jealousy and anger pop up together, I know that I have been shorted from something very important to me. However, my challenge has been discerning whether what I am missing is in the present moment or in the past.
I often get suckered in the present moment because everything reminds me too much of the past. My life is super trigger happy. Quite often I over react or misjudge what’s in front of me because a much younger part of me that is in pain is in control of everything. I am alternatively run by a surly 5 year old and a raging 13 year old. 38 year old me usually recoils in horror and shakes her head; wondering how the fuck things got this way. When I am fully engaged, present and in my body I can discern whether what I am feeling originates in the past or the present. Then I can take appropriate action. My challenge in the moment is often staying in my body and delaying my response until I can understand what is going on and who is captain of the ship today.
When I am able to be present and discerning in my body, I can see how anger and jealousy help me. I can see they show me how to best heal and support myself. Anger shows me how I have allowed others to take advantage of me, how much that hurt and how not to do it again. Jealousy usually lets me know what I am giving away or what has been taken from me that I want to keep. Especially when coming from little me, these powerful emotions have been very helpful.
The more I am willing to listen to little me’s voice in the form of intense and powerful emotions, the more integrated I feel. The more I am able to address and heal that which hurt me in the past; the present can finally be the present and not some continually painful childhood. I am discovering that little me’s wisdom just wants to be heard and integrated. Can’t let all this suffering go to waste. It has to be good for something 🙂
Take Precious Care!