The more I commit myself to fully being in my body, the more I see how badly I treat myself when I am in my body. It ranges from small things like eating gluten when I know my immune system is already struggling and my digestion is sluggish, to large things like not honoring my need for tranquility and taking on things I don’t want to do. There are a million little ways that I disregard my own wisdom, violate my own boundaries and generally fuck myself up only to blame others in anger.
It’s odd. My behavior hasn’t really changed much since my commitment to being more present and engaged in my body. I can just better see how I create my own pain. I understand why I am so dreamy. If I don’t honor my own boundaries and have faith in my internal guidance why even try to engage life? I’m not really living. Fuck it, let’s read manga and watch bullshit all day. I am not really expressing myself anyway; I am only doing/being what others want with the hopes of being loved. Am I really being loved (or being loving) if I am not being myself?
The good thing about this depressing ass turd sandwich is that I can now see how I sabotage myself and my relationship with my body (or myself). Since I know how I am hurting myself, I can make different decisions and give myself grace when I don’t. Knowing is half the battle 🙂
I so want to leave this in a little “everything will be alright” bow 🙂 It will be alright. Over the past week or so I’ve started working with Wild Rose Flower Essence from Green Hope Farm. I feel more of myself in my body. I feel stronger, more present and much more compassionate. Slowly and surely I will unravel and love my hurt. I’ll get there. We all do.
Until next time.. Take Precious Care!