It was a lovely day. I spent most of it napping in the bed with our youngest son. When I wasn’t sleeping, I lazily read my favorite manga. I did much of the same for the afternoon. By the evening, I felt enlivened and revitalized. I was actually able to respond from a space of love rather than exasperation. However, within an hour all that went to shit and I got angry.
I was angry because it actually takes will power to chill because there is always something to do. I was angry because it takes work and space to calm myself down. I was angry because I was actually peaceful for once and that shit felt good! Peace radiated from my heart, infused my being and reminded me that despite everything I love. Man, I was so angry.
Then it dawned on me, I love this anger. I love this anger that protects me so fiercely. I love this anger that guards my connection to my loving self. I love this anger that wants peace, goodness and sweetness for me. I love my anger and it feels so good.
Loving my anger has allowed appreciation for other emotions to blossom as well. Anxiety is my invitation to slow down and annoyance is my reminder to use my energy and time more selfishly. I no longer feel burdened by my many many emotions. I feel cared for; which is amazing and new.
Loving and caring for myself allows me to love from a space of love rather than from detriment. I don’t really have to give until I can’t give anymore. There is no shame in caring for myself because there are ways to refill my cup that are easy for the whole family <3
We’ll see what bubbles up next..
Take Precious Care
Somewhere between seeing my Dead Father’s name a couple of places, learning about the lung cancer vaccine (he died of lung cancer) and my son catching another cold I began to lose it. I feel anxious and like I am slowly coming apart.
No, let me back that up.. I haven’t really been right since both my husband and son got sick at the same time. The only thing that has changed is.. well… my husband isn’t sick anymore 😀
No matter who is sick and what is going on, I treat myself as if my feelings aren’t a big deal or worth a caring response. Feeling like I was wrongly discriminated against shouldn’t be a big deal, for me. I mean the folks who are discriminating against me are the ones punishing them selves–right? Besides, I went to a school for the daughters of the klan and another school named after a confederate general. I mean, insincerity and exclusion is nothing new. Feeling stressed out because Lil Boo is covered in green snot, coughing and has a low grade fever shouldn’t be a problem. His lack of napping isn’t a concern either. Give him some drugs, or pop in him a chamomile, mint & pennyroyal bath. Worried because I have no idea about which nursery school Lil Boo will be attending in fall isn’t a problem. I’ll just keep him with me while you enjoy Lil Boo number #2 because your nerves can handle it. I mean other folks do the same thing all the time you’ll be fine.
My father is dead. I should be over it. My Mother and I are estranged. I should be okay with it. Most of my friends are going through major, heavy life shit and thus ain’t got energy for my whining. That’s okay I can support myself ! Motherhood and Wifedom often require amounts of grace, mastery, love patience and compassion I never knew existed. I should just suck everything up and turn to night drinking.
No matter what I feel, somehow it isn’t enough to warrant any sort of loving, compassionate form of action. Especially when my feelings are in response to the present moment. Feelings that are revelations about days gone by are always welcome. It’s the feelings that come from the here and now that kick my ass. When I feel about the here and now my inner response usually is: Shut it, quit your bitching. Things will sort out. The odd thing is that things do sort out. However I feel like whatever my feelings in the moment are, they deserve some sort of something.
I picked this habit up from somewhere. Now let’s see if I can put it back down. *sigh*
Be good to yourself!
At a Mocha Mom’s meeting.. told to calm down.. it reminded me that there are things I can do (outside of taking copius teas and shit) to be less anxious. Going warp speed on 10 is my choice… I really can stop..
How? I can pay attention to things that cause me anxiety.. like say.. taking 10 million pregnancy tests.. and stop doing that shit right there…stuff like..doing shit I don’t want to do to be a martyr.. having crazy stupid expectations of myself. Stuff like that..
Paying attention doesn’t mean I’ll stop, but it means that I’ll at least see my own crazy making and know I can quit when I want to hahahahaha! 😉
The funny thing about this is there is shit I can’t control. The shit like.. will my child get into this expensive, hippy bougie preschool.. will this hippy bougie preschool give my child money to attend….will there be brown little boys like my son at this hippy bougie preschool, will my 1099’s arrive soon, how many people will show up to class this weekend… and on and on
There is crazy making that is my own doing, I can admit that. I am just wondering what to do about the shit I can’t do anything about. My usual plans of taking pre-emptive care of myself by randomly saying fuck it to everything fell through when I had a baby 😀 I don’t know what to do now i have no new tricks… How do I function within all of this mess?
I remember preparing to get pregnant with Little Boo. I worked so hard to get through, what I considered to be my “shit”. Specifically, my shit is an accumulation of habits, attitudes, perspectives and patterns I used to get through childhood. The shit was helpful then. It really ain’t so helpful right now. I worked with intuitives, saw a shaman, prayed, read, went to therapy. I did all I could to “heal” myself of this pain I’ve been feeling for so long.
Little Boo finally came. We moved from the west coast to the east coast. I watched my father die of cancer. I started working again. Life moved on and expanded beyond my Mommy Issues. But somehow, like always, I am here again with this pain. It stirs within me. It grabs my attention and wrestles me to the floor. It takes me over and I succumb to it; forgetting who and where I am.
Here I am again with this pain in my chest. Here I am again preparing to do battle with a part of me that.. maybe I should not be fighting. I mean, if something grabs my attention from within me– it must have something important to say. I am learning to listen. If something is tugging at my pants leg because it wants me–it must need me. I’m working on stopping and loving it. Slowly I am learning to stop fighting my pain. It has something for me and I don’t need to fight it.
As I have learned to be kinder to me my pain has calmed down and softened a bit. I don’t only get more pain when I stop and listen to it. Sometimes I get a five year old hugging me from the inside and telling me that everything will be okay. Other times, I get invitations to imaginary tea parties and a strong desire to wear fancy hats.
Since my son is a toddler, sometimes Little me takes the place of pain and plays with my son. It seems to bring everyone involved fun.
Slowly, I am learning to stop seeing pain and start hearing myself. I am learning to attend to and address my own needs. I am learning to love myself and all my little Mommy issues. All I needed to do was to stop fighting myself and start listening.
Take Precious Care,
Because I am no longer able to day drink, I’ve been working on creative ways to be present with challenging emotions that arise while I am with little one….
Things we’ve been doing that seem to work:
- Deep breathing (focus on exhalation)
Things that don’t seem to work:
- Thinking about my emotions*
- Snapping at lil Boo
*I want to note that thinking about my feelings is quite different than actually acknowledging them. I notice that I have a tendency to actually judge whatever I am feeling rather than just feel it. For me all my feelings are bad and thus should not go any further than bubbling up from the depths. I’m working on that though 🙂
Slowly but surely I learning to Mother myself as I am attempting to Mother Little Boo. I will let keep you posted as things unfold.
Take Precious Care
You know what, I’ve been so very well behaved lately. These past few days, it kinda went to shit though. I was triggered a few times and I did not take proper care of myself. I didn’t take time to remind myself I am no longer a child. Nor did I ask for any of the support and space I needed.
I did what I normally do when I wig out. I cooked a bunch a food and then proceeded to eat bullshit. Eating sugary bullshit usually makes me even more crazy because I find it harder to ground when high on sugar. Through out all of the fight starting crazy I didn’t even practice a lick of yoga. No child’s pose. No chair pose, No warrior… no nothing. I’m a mess.
For the past few days I have been floating around in a daze. But, a few things are helping me get back into my body and fully engage life.
- I finally got to hang out with my son. I swear every night, that kid hangs the stars in the sky. It’s so very lovely to be around him. And when he isn’t easing into the terrible two’s he makes being present, grounded and fully engaged easy and fun.
- I felt things that bring me life. When I say I felt them, I mean I thought about and imagined them until I could feel my body light up from the inside out. It’s a cool feeling 🙂
- I finally got my ass on my yoga mat. When I practice I am in my body and I have space to not be so.. floaty 🙂 It’s one of the places I feel safe. Besides, it’s dangerous to be outside your body while on your mat. That’s when you injure yourself.
I am still working on re-engaging myself fully. However, I am noticing that when I feel excess anxiety or fear I am outside my body. I also am noticing the difference of how I interact with other when I am in my body vs elsewhere. When I am grounded and present I can listen to others even though we may disagree. When I am outside my body, I am volatile because everything reminds me of some distant memory.
Although this sucks ass I can say this has been quite educational. We’ll see what comes up next week!
Take Precious Care,
As part of consistently honoring my commitment to being fully engaged in present moment, I can see things I couldn’t see before. Now, it’s not like I always know what to do with that I am seeing, but when I can see something I have a little more space to make different decisions.
So, what am I seeing you may ask? Presently, I am noticing an intense amount of fear and anxiety when I am not grounded in the present moment. I can dig that my fear and anxiety are protective measures. If I can detect danger or problematic behavior I can avoid it. But not everything can be avoided. I do much better managing bad situations when I am fully grounded and engaged in my body, which is the key to all of this.
I am slowly learning that fear and anxiety are a warning that I am not fully grounded in my body in the present moment. Ungrounded Fear and anxiety come when my imagination has taken me hostage, I’ve been abusing my intuition, or I’m uncomfortable for one reason or another.
On the other hand, when I feel fear and am in my body, it’s a physical sensation that is often is rooted in my belly. When I feel anxious and am in my body it’s either in my head or belly. Not to mention that both fear and anxiety usually come with clear instructions. When fear and anxiety come and I am outside my body, all I get is panic, stress and worse case scenarios. There is nothing tangible to help keep me safe.
Oddly enough, the more I commit to being fully present in the moment, the more it feels like being present is committed to me too. Things only run awry when I abandon myself in the present moment. I am excited to see what comes up next 🙂
Take Precious Care!
So, I am still working through Peter Levine’s book: Healing Trauma. I am currently at an exercise where he asks that you track sensations in the body as preparation for sitting with your emotions. After grounding and centering yourself, he suggests that you sit with whatever emotion comes up. He asks that you observe and feel said emotion in your body without analyzing, naming or putting it into context. Levine asks that you sit with the emotion until it changes.
I want to say that I find this practice easy. That would be a lie, though 🙂 It’s challenging to do in the moment with a toddler. Sitting, feeling acknowledging my mounting anxiety while watching my son get his breakfast everywhere but his mouth hasn’t quite worked for me :).
When I am alone and feeling courageous, sitting with emotions is much easier. I find that I am sometimes even able to restrain my desire to classify and make sense of what I am feeling and why. Grounding into the sensation that the emotion causes in and around my body helps me stay present. I find the more I pay attention to my body, the more at ease my mind is. It’s like my mind becomes absorbed with the body rather than with itself.
The practice of sitting with emotions as they evolve reminds me of yoga. Even though my yoga practice occasionally makes me uncomfortable; the more I practice the more things change. Sometimes things change for what seems like something better. Sometimes, things get worse. But the more I practice, the more I feel like I can handle whatever comes up because I have space to handle it with. I love space. As long as I can have space, I can get through anything.
We’ll see what bubbles up and through next!
For the past couple of weeks, I have been enjoying grounding myself in the morning. I wake up, call all of me into my body. Ask whatever ain’t mine to leave and then proceed to ground my chakras, and protect my auric field.
This has been awesome! I feel much more connected and integrated with my body, the land around me and the house I live in 🙂 I can hear more, which is helpful although sometimes overwhelming. Being clairaudient is another post all together.
Any who, my ground practice changed when we went to Paris to visit family. In France, I didn’t need to ground. All I did was check all was connected and aligned. That’s all that was needed. I was chilling and at peace in my body! The same was true when we visited Montpellier in the South. In France I was at ease in my body and connected to the Earth in a natural way that didn’t require constant upkeep.
Now that I am back in the US, I find it easier to ground myself than when I left. But, I have to keep a closer watch. I am much more prone to popping out of myself here. I am much more fearful and anxious here. To be honest, I felt so much fear about returning to the US, I didn’t want to come back.
My fear and anxiety have a few sources. I am black. That’s enough to be anxious about things these day. However, the root of my anxiety is in the trauma I’ve experienced here while growing up. I am still actively working through it while still figuring out how to cope with triggers. Even though there were quite a few triggers in France, I could actually see why I was triggered, address it and return to calm quickly there. Here in the US, I fear that I won’t be as swiftly effective. Not to mention, France feels like a free zone. I am far away from what terrorizes me in the US. An ocean of distance is quite different than a trip down the road.
There seems to be a few keys to being in the US safely and calmly in my body. First, I feel like it’s important to honor my anxiety and fear. They are justified 🙂 Second, I need to change how I interact with myself and others. I need to live and be in a way that allows me to be safe. Third I need to cultivate a deeper relationship with my body and emotions. Both my body and emotions let me know when I am in danger. Rather than seeking to silence my fear and anxiety I can learn to embrace and hear them. I can honor their purpose and move from there.
We’ll see what unfolds from here 🙂 Take Precious Care of you!
The more I am in here, the more I notice things. Some of these things, I’ve known but buried because I didn’t know how to deal with them. Other things.. well I am only recently seeing for the first time. Here’s what I’ve been noticing lately.
- My physical alignment is wonky 🙂
I have this funky little inward rotation going on with my right leg that extends up into my torso. This is something I’ve known for a while, but have forgotten. I first discovered this when I had a regular ashtanga practice a couple of years ago. Which makes me wonder how long I have been physically neglecting my body. The more physically engaging my yoga practice becomes the more I am learning and remembering about how my body best works.
2. Parts of the childhood me that want to be witness are very like an upset childlike: intense and unrelenting.
This full on nature of an emotion or feeling that wants to be witnessed helps me determine the best way to process what I am feeling. I process emotions that are grounded in the present moment differently than how I process things coming up from the past asking to be witnessed. I would love to say that motherhood gives me all the time in the world to process everything that comes up, but I’d be a damned lie 🙂 What seems to be helping most is staying in my body, nap time and a regular physically engaging practice.
3. The holidays have me sooooo triggered.
I would say everything from Thanksgiving on has had me on fire in some way. All these memories and sensations hide behind present events intensifying everything. This shit has not been easy. Staying present in my body has not been easy. I have been losing myself in fantasy, watching all sorts of tv and eating gluten like it’s going out of style. These are my adult ways of coping with not being able to deal with the pain I feel. I want to say that I am doing something magical to get through. I’m not 🙂 I am seriously fucked up and trying not to spread it around 🙂 We’ll see what comes up.
That’s what’s going on in here. So, what’s going on in you?