Mommying Mommy: Somewhere between here and now

Despite my best efforts to be present and grounded, some days I stay in the ether. Even with little Boo, I am there but somehow not.

My attention is with this little part of me holding on. She waits in the mist and wants me to know that she is waiting because when her patience pays off, we will all rejoice.

What is she waiting for? She is waiting from my Mother. In her little suitcase there is a list (among other things that little girls would keep in suitcases). The list details all the things that her, and other parts of me have been waiting patiently to receive from my mother. She has complete faith that one day Mom will show up as the Mother she has always wanted and that they can go have tea. All will be well and I can move the fuck on from waiting..

Now this little girl isn’t alone. She representative of a contingent. There are other little me’s of varying ages all hanging out with lists. Waiting for the Mother they’ve always wanted too. Not to say that I haven’t had (or don’t presently enjoy) Mother figures, but they have their mind set on My Mother. Only she will do. I’ve offered to do for myself what they need. They have no interest in me. Even my husband will occasionally pitch in; whether he realizes it or not. They sigh, shake their head, point to their lists and contracts; obstinately waiting for her.

The fucked up thing is that I know she ain’t coming. My Mother, is a kind loving woman. She is just not the woman…. well…. we have different values, so we don’t really know how to be Mother and Daughter. I don’t know how to be her daughter because, it isn’t in me to behave the way she wants. Usually what she wants from me agitates me. ย And well, I’m sure she feels rejected because I want things from her that ain’t in her. I’ve let her know this time and time again. So, instead of coming together and loving each other, we do an awkward dance where both of us end up hurt.

I want to accept the parts of me that are waiting because they deserve my loving compassion. If anything they remind me of what is important to me and how vital it is that I ensure a loving connection with the kids. I want to accept Mother also. I know she can’t give me what I seek, but she is still my Mother. There has to be some way to more fully accept what is, so I can be more present. It’s shitty to be constantly pulled between here and now.

No real solutions today. Only observations ๐Ÿ™‚

Until next time.. Take Precious Care

J

Mommying Mommy: And on the inside I wig out

At a Mocha Mom’s meeting.. told to calm down.. it reminded me that there are things I can do (outside of taking copius teas and shit) to be less anxious. Going warp speed on 10 is my choice… I really can stop..

How? I can pay attention to things that cause me anxiety.. like say.. taking 10 million pregnancy tests.. and stop doing that shit right there…stuff like..doing shit I don’t want to do to be a martyr.. having crazy stupid expectations of myself. Stuff like that..

Paying attention doesn’t mean I’ll stop, but it means that I’ll at least see my own crazy making and know I can quit when I want to hahahahaha! ๐Ÿ˜‰

The funny thing about this is there is shit I can’t control. The shit like.. will my child get into this expensive, hippy bougie preschool.. will this hippy bougie preschool give my child money to attend….will there be brown little boys like my son at this hippy bougie preschool, will my 1099’s arrive soon, how many people will show up to class this weekend… and on and on

There is crazy making that is my own doing, I can admit that. I am just wondering what to do about the shit I can’t do anything about. My usual plans of taking pre-emptive care of myself by randomly saying fuck it to everything fell through when I had a baby ๐Ÿ˜€ I don’t know what to do now i have no new tricks… How do I function within all of this mess?

Still in the body: What it takes to be here

The more I commit myself to fully being in my body, the more I see how badly I treat myself when I am in my body. It ranges from small things like eating gluten when I know my immune system is already struggling and my digestion is sluggish, to large things like not honoring my need for tranquility and taking on things I don’t want to do. There are a million little ways that I disregard my own wisdom, violate my own boundaries and generally fuck myself up only to blame others in anger.

It’s odd. My behavior hasn’t really changed much since my commitment to being more present and engaged in my body. I can just better see how I create my own pain. I understand why I am so dreamy. If I don’t honor my own boundaries and have faith in my internal guidance why even try to engage life? I’m not really living. Fuck it, let’s read manga and watch bullshit all day. I am not really expressing myself anyway; I am only doing/being what others want with the hopes of being loved. Am I really beingย loved (or being loving) if I am not being myself?

The good thing about this depressing ass turd sandwich is that I can now see how I sabotage myself and my relationship with my body (or myself). ย Since I know how I am hurting myself, I can make different decisions and give myself grace when I don’t. Knowing is half the battle ๐Ÿ™‚

I so want to leave this in a little “everything will be alright” bow ๐Ÿ™‚ It will be alright. Over the past week or so I’ve started working with Wild Rose Flower Essence from Green Hope Farm. I feel more of myself in my body. I feel stronger, more present and much more compassionate. Slowly and surely I will unravel and love my hurt. I’ll get there. We all do.

Until next time.. Take Precious Care!

J

 

 

 

 

 

Still in the body: Dropping into the Heart

Since I am now reading Karen L. Anderson’s book: The Peaceful Daughter’s Guide, working with my body has changed a bit. Somehow my body no longer feels like a foreign entity that kicks my ass for various reasons that make no sense to me.

I can now appreciate my body as an integral part of my being that allows me to participate in life. When I heed it’s wisdom my body offers me all sorts of juicy information about the past, present and sometimes the future. My challenge in life has just been staying with myself, in my body, no matter what is going on. I have a tendency to wig out, forget my body and then come back to it much later than originally anticipated.

Which is why I find Karen L. Anderson’s suggestion of becoming an observer such a fascinating one. As I read it, her intention with this exercise is to support you in noticing what emotions and thoughts arise when you are triggered. If you watch what comes up you learn that it’s possible for you to choose different thoughts, feelings and actions.

I’ll be honest, it’s my first day on this exercise. But I did detect a difference between when I noticed things from my heart and when I noticed things from my head.ย My heart space seemed to integrate things in a respectful loving way. Everything felt connected, but yet okay as it’s beautiful self. Everything fit together like an amazing mosaic. Each piece is working on itself and yet fits together to create beauty. Even though I did sense a little maliciousness upon occasion, it didn’t feel like I needed to take it personally and engage which is something I usually do. I didn’t fly off the handle today ๐Ÿ˜€ It’s a miracle!

Noticing things from my third eye or head feels sharp and clear, but also highly prone to change. It’s like being presented with a myriad of choices all at once. When I observe from my third eye it’s easy to get lost in millions of different possibilities inherent in each breath.

I enjoy clear sharp thinking, but Lawd I love the gushy oneness. It just felt all good in my body ๐Ÿ™‚ Which is very important given all the pain it’s been through– right?

We’ll see how this comes together!

Be good to yourself!

J

Still in the body: Emotionally Constipated

Damn ya’ll, I have hit a big snag in my mmmmm… voyage into the body. My emotions are literally fucking me up.ย I was in pain.

No, really I was in break-out the whiskey and bite a stick because you are about to cut something off pain. It started as a twinge in my right hip. I thought it was due to a little bit of rough housing combined with improper alignment during my yoga practice. So, I shifted my yoga practice, stopped rough housing with my son and had confidence that the pain would go away.

It didn’t. Not only did the pain increase, it started to rise up into my lower back. Meaning whenever I woke up in the morning, I rolled out of bed scrunched and hunched over on my right side and could barely walk. It took most of the morning to warm my body up and picking up my son was out of the question. Try not picking up a toddler ๐Ÿ™ To let me know that it was serious, my body started waking up at God-awful hours and not going back to sleep until 10 minutes before my alarm. No herbal concoction could bring me good sleep. Only NyQuil would do and even with that shit I was up at 5-ish.

In the midst of all this physical pain and frustration, I forgot to feel my feelings. I never checked in. I mean I kept grounding chakras and shifting around my yoga practice which offered some relief. But, it took me a week or so to actually stop and feel my feelings.

My emotions (and I have lots of them) have a way of pooling in my hips and lower back. When I refuse to pay attention to what I am feeling, this is usually where pain starts and increases until I listen. If I am super stubborn (and I am) my sleep starts to mess up. When I wake early and my hips throb– that is my clue to just let my feelings flow. So, eventually I did just that.

What did I hear? I heard all sorts of nasty stuff ๐Ÿ™‚ Rage, frustration, pain from many moons ago. All sorts of things that I have ignored over the years because it has been easier to bury my feelings underneath food, dick, alcohol and/or good weed over the years than to actually feel anything.

All this listening and feeling has led me to another book. I know, I am a sucker for heal your bullshit books. But, my lower back has stopped hurting and my hips are less cranky. There is hope for me yet ๐Ÿ™‚

Until next time, Stay warm and be good yourself!

J

 

Still in the body: Not really

You know what, I’ve been so very well behaved lately. These past few days, it kinda went to shit though. I was triggered a few times and I did not take proper care of myself. I didn’t take time to remind myself I am no longer a child. Nor did I ask for any of the support and space I needed.

I did what I normally do when I wig out. I cooked a bunch a food and then proceeded to eat bullshit. Eating sugary bullshit usually makes me even more crazy because I find it harder to ground when high on sugar. Through out all of the fight starting crazy I didn’t even practice a lick of yoga. No child’s pose. No chair pose, No warrior… no nothing. I’m a mess.

For the past few days I have been floating around in a daze. But, a few things are helping me get back into my body and fully engage life.

  1. I finally got to hang out with my son. I swear every night, that kid hangs the stars in the sky. It’s so very lovely to be around him. And when he isn’t easing into the terrible two’s he makes being present, grounded and fully engaged easy and fun.
  2. I felt things that bring me life. When I say I felt them, I mean I thought about and imagined them until I could feel my body light up from the inside out. It’s a cool feeling ๐Ÿ™‚
  3. I finally got my ass on my yoga mat. When I practice I am in my body and I have space to not be so.. floaty ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s one of the places I feel safe. Besides, it’s dangerous to be outside your body while on your mat. That’s when you injure yourself.

I am still working on re-engaging myself fully. However, I am noticing that when I feel excess anxiety or fear I am outside my body. I also am noticing the difference of how I interact with other when I am in my body vs elsewhere. When I am grounded and present I can listen to others even though we may disagree. When I am outside my body, I am volatile because everything reminds me of some distant memory.

Although this sucks ass I can say this has been quite educational. We’ll see what comes up next week!

Take Precious Care,

J

Still in the body: Transforming nature of Emotions

So, I am still working through Peter Levine’s book: Healing Trauma. I am currently at an exercise where he asks that you track sensations in the body as preparation for sitting with your emotions. After grounding and centering yourself, he suggests that you sit with whatever emotion comes up. He asks that you observe and feel said emotion in your body without analyzing, naming or putting it into context. Levine asks that you sit with the emotion until it changes.

I want to say that I find this practice easy. That would be a lie, though ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s challenging to do in the moment with a toddler. Sitting, feeling acknowledging my mounting anxiety while watching my son get his breakfast everywhere but his mouth hasn’t quite worked for me :).

When I am alone and feeling courageous, sitting with emotions is much easier. I find that I am sometimes even able to restrain my desire to classify and make sense of what I am feeling and why. Grounding into the sensation that the emotion causes in and around my body helps me stay present. I find the more I pay attention to my body, the more at ease my mind is. It’s like my mind becomes absorbed with the body rather than with itself.

The practice of sitting with emotions as they evolveย reminds me of yoga. Even though my yoga practice occasionally makes me uncomfortable; the more I practice the more things change. Sometimes things change for what seems like something better. Sometimes, things get worse. But the more I practice, the more I feel like I can handle whatever comes up because I have space to handle it with. I love space. As long as I can have space, I can get through anything.

We’ll see what bubbles up and through next!

Take Care,

Jeannette

 

 

Still in the body: Hearing & Honoring the Body’s wisdom..

I am working my way through the book: Healing Trauma, by Peter A. Levine. Reading this book is a helpful kick in the head. Much of it is repackaged stuff I learned from the Earth while in Portland, Oregon and Montpellier, France. If anything, this book is teaching me to better honor the wisdom I receive from the Earth. I forget things when I move ๐Ÿ™

Levine offers an exercise where you track sensation in the body. He suggests grounding, and fully entering your body. Then focusing on an object of safety, like a picture, or a stone, or a friend. Next he suggests alternating your focus between your object of safety and sensation in your body.

I found this practice helpful because it brought me into my body to actually listen; not just to be there. (I need purpose for doing things, otherwise I don’t do them.) ย It’s been so long since I actually cultivated a relationship with my body outside of keeping it clean, fed, and sexed. It was nice to feel tension in certain parts and then receive wisdom as how to best relieve the tension. My body told me why certain parts hurt they way they do and how to better balance my own energy. I have a better understanding of what’s going on with my body and why. I love understanding ๐Ÿ™‚

However, I would not have been able to do this practice without having spent a few weeks fully grounding my chakras and my self every morning. Grounding brought me into contact with my body and the Earth. It’s hard to know what is going on in a house until you enter it and spend some time there. I am finding the same is true with my body.

This has been very productive. I look forward to building a better relationship with my body. I know it’s wisdom will support me in living more peacefully.

Playing with my emotions: Anger & Jealousy

The more I stay in my body, the more I experience emotions that I would rather not ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s a bit intense and I can see why I fly out so much ๐Ÿ™‚

Anyway, this post is about anger & jealousy. The more I continue to engage my anger and jealousy the more I am noticing that an unmet need is behind it. Anger is an emotion I feel often and am quite comfortable with. I would say I am almost too comfortable being angry :(– which is why it pops up so much. ย Jealousy however, I am not as comfortable with. I judge myself when jealousy pops up. When jealousy and anger pop up together, I know that I have been shorted from something very important to me. However, my challenge has been discerning whether what I am missing is in the present moment or in the past.

I often get suckered in the present moment because everything reminds me too much of the past. My life is super trigger happy. Quite often I over react or misjudge what’s in front of me because a much younger part of me that is in pain is in control of everything. I am alternatively run by a surly 5 year old and a raging 13 year old. 38 year old me usually recoils in horror and shakes her head; wondering how the fuck things got this way. When I am fully engaged, present and in my body I can discern whether what I am feeling originates in the past or the present. Then I can take appropriate action. My challenge in the moment is often staying in my body and delaying my response until I can understand what is going on and who is captain of the ship today.

When I am able to be present and discerning in my body, I can see how anger and jealousy help me. I can see they show me how to best heal and support myself. Anger shows me how I have allowed others to take advantage of me, how much that hurt and how not to do it again. Jealousy usually lets me know what I am giving away or what has been taken from me that I want to keep. Especially when coming from little me, these powerful emotions have been very helpful.

The more I am willing to listen to little me’s voice in the form of intense and powerful emotions, the more integrated I feel. The more I am able to address and heal that which hurt me in the past; the present can finally be the present and not some continually painful childhood. I am discovering that little me’s wisdom just wants to be heard and integrated. Can’t let all this suffering go to waste. It has to be good for something ๐Ÿ™‚

Take Precious Care!

Update: Still in the body.. still working it out

The more I am in here, the more I notice things. Some of these things, I’ve known but buried because I didn’t know how to deal with them. Other things.. well I am only recently seeing for the first time. Here’s what I’ve been noticing lately.

  1. My physical alignment is wonky ๐Ÿ™‚

I have this funky little inward rotation going on with my right leg that extends up into my torso. This is something I’ve known for a while, but have forgotten. I first discovered this when I had a regular ashtanga practice a couple of years ago. Which makes me wonder how long I have been physically neglecting my body. The more physically engaging my yoga practice becomes the more I am learning and remembering about how my body best works.

2. Parts of the childhood me that want to be witness are very like an upset childlike: intense and unrelenting.

This full on nature of an emotion or feeling that wants to be witnessed helps me determine the best way to process what I am feeling. I process emotions that are grounded in the present moment differently than how I process things coming up from the past asking to be witnessed. I would love to say that motherhood gives me all the time in the world to process everything that comes up, but I’d be a damned lie ๐Ÿ™‚ What seems to be helping most is staying in my body, nap time and a regular physically engaging practice.

 

3. The holidays have me sooooo triggered.

I would say everything from Thanksgiving on has had me on fire in some way. All these memories and sensations hide behind present events intensifying everything. This shit has not been easy. Staying present in my body has not been easy. I have been losing myself in fantasy, watching all sorts of tv and eating gluten like it’s going out of style. These are my adult ways of coping with not being able to deal with the pain I feel. I want to say that I am doing something magical to get through. I’m not ๐Ÿ™‚ I am seriously fucked up and trying not to spread it around ๐Ÿ™‚ We’ll see what comes up.

 

That’s what’s going on in here. So, what’s going on in you?