Connection Challenge: Week 4

I’ll be honest. This week really kicked my ass. Grounding into Mother Earth through my feet wasn’t too hard. At least once a day, I’d check in with my feet. Then, I’d inhale down into Mother Earth and exhale back into my feet. This practice was great for bringing me back to the present moment and connecting me to my body.

Now that I’m in my body, I’m challenged by a few things:

  1. I really need to relax. The more I continued to breathe into Mother Earth, the more I realized how tightly wound I am. I love the idea of going to relax somewhere, but that ain’t happening. Returning to a more vigorous yoga practice and laying off the caffeine is a good start.
  2. I need to be more receptive. Even my breath is a bit aggressive. It leads me back to the fact that I really need to calm down.
  3. It’s time to move back to France. I felt in my bones that something big was coming. It no longer feels right here. I didn’t expect France to call us in. France is wonderful, but I love living here. I don’t want to go. However, I know it’s for the best.

Since deciding to move back to France, my eating has gotten a little out of control. I am eating my resistance. I’d rather not gain all my postpartum weight back. Next week I will focus on a grounding and calming yoga practice while challenging myself to connect to Mother Earth through mindful eating. Once a day, I’ll check in with how I am feeling before I decide what to eat. Then, I choose what to eat based on my emotions. I’ll match my moods to healthy foods. It’ll be entertaining <3

Until next week, Take Precious Care!

J

 

 

Proud of being angry

It was a lovely day. I spent most of it napping in the bed with our youngest son. When I wasn’t sleeping, I lazily read my favorite manga. I did much of the same for the afternoon. By the evening, I felt enlivened and revitalized. I was actually able to respond from a space of love rather than exasperation. However, within an hour all that went to shit and I got angry.

I was angry because it actually takes will power to chill because there is always something to do. I was angry because it takes work and space to calm myself down. I was angry because I was actually peaceful for once and that shit felt good! Peace radiated from my heart, infused my being and reminded me that despite everything I love. Man, I was so angry.

Then it dawned on me, I love this anger. I love this anger that protects me so fiercely. I love this anger that guards my connection to my loving self. I love this anger that wants peace, goodness and sweetness for me. I love my anger and it feels so good.

Loving my anger has allowed appreciation for other emotions to blossom as well. Anxiety is my invitation to slow down and annoyance is my reminder to use my energy and time more selfishly. I no longer feel burdened by my many many emotions. I feel cared for; which is amazing and new.

Loving and caring for myself allows me to love from a space of love rather than from detriment. I don’t really have to give until I can’t give anymore. There is no shame in caring for myself  because there are ways to refill my cup that are easy for the whole family <3

We’ll see what bubbles up next..

Take Precious Care

J

 

ISO: Sweetness

I sniff the sweet tea steaming on the stove and decide to add more sugar. I need something with just the right amount of diabetes; something sweet enough to prevent me from raiding the eldest son’s jellybean stash. I’ve been out of control lately. So out of control that I’ve been eating gluten too. Normally I avoid gluten. I know that gluten isn’t sweet, but it is good. Foods with gluten break me out and give me a spare tire. They’re also super fucking good.

So, why am I eating sweetness that rots my teeth and gluten that clogs my digestion? I have lots of different reasons:

  1.  I want more physical and emotional space. I feel like if I eat enough, I can create a safe space for me to hide in my body where no one will find me, ask me shit or want to suck on me.
  2. Did I mention emotional space? The eldest is three. He’s going through all sorts of big emotions, working through expressing his will and figuring out how to communicate. I often spend so much time trying to help him process and work out his shit, I don’t have time or space for mine. His shit reminds me of mine. The same is true for the youngest. By the end of the night, I’m exhausted and there doesn’t seem to be space for sorting out my own shit.
  3. I’m fucking tired and my body hurts. I’ve returned to my yoga practice and that has helped. However, my body is wrecked and my eyes are red.
  4. A civil war rages on within me. There are parts of me that want to Mama the fuck out. That part needs no personal time or space. It just needs to be loving, cooking, cleaning and tending. There are other parts that want Mama-me to hold the fuck up. There are rituals to prepare for, a business to re-establish, friendships to water, herbs to care for and a whole other host of shit to do outside of fucking with my kids.
  5. Did I mention that ritual freaks me out a bit? Don’t get me wrong, it feels right for me to do and I’m excited about it. I just wish that I had more space and quiet to hear. The odd thing is that my ears are full. More so than usual. I hear my ancestors, a few old friends and other things that watch me. More so than usual. It’s nice but also…. well.. a little more intense than usual 🙂 At least my dream life has calmed down 😀

Too much discord and a lack of space to sort it out leads me to eat. I eat to remind myself that I’m not processing my life. I eat to remind myself that there is sweetness in my life, but to enjoy it I need more balance. I eat to ease the pain of abandoning myself to care for people and situations outside of myself. I need to honor more of myself than just the part of me that is mother to the boys.

I am a full human being. I deserve expression outside of cooking, cleaning and playing with children.

We’ll see how things come together <3

Take care of yourself

J

Third trimester shenanigans: Jinx

So, forget what I said about sleeping because the last few nights have been hit or miss 😀

Here are the revelations not sleeping has brought me.

  1. When Lil Boo doesn’t sleep, I can’t sleep. There could be a myriad of reasons why the boy ain’t falling to sleep. It could be because he’s been a bit sick lately. It could also be due to the fact that our house has been filled with stress from my husband’s work and guilt from me not being the active, play-all-day-Mother I’d like to be. He could also be outgrowing his 8pm bed time, or just sensing the impending doom of not being the only kid in the house anymore. Either way, I watch him actively refuse to nap or wait for me to come and re-tuck him in at night before he finally settles down. Shit makes me sad and anxious 🙁
  2. When my emotions are backed up, I can’t sleep. Somehow I forgot that my father’s death-anniversary is less than a month away. As I carry another son, I can’t help but feel some kind of way knowing that my father won’t get to meet this one. It breaks my heart. Lil Boo met his grandfather. Lil Boo#2 won’t. *sigh* Not to mention, I have never felt more surrounded by death. People have been posting about late term abortions, infant loss, babies being choked out in Wal-Mart. Facebook is a minefield of shit I don’t want to see.
  3. My pregnancy hormones have kicked in and I am feeling all sorts of evil. When I do actually sleep, I still feel tired, overwhelmed and like I don’t want to be bothered with shit. I love the little life inside of me, but the transition from one kid to two is a bit unnerving. There are so many what-ifs floating around my head. I completely respect and honor 1 and done 🙂

When I wake up feeling all of this, I just feel it. 3am is really the only time I have to process, so I enjoy the space to actually feel without interrupting myself. When I am done listening, I find my mind wanders from my body. I drift into sleep peacefully.

We’ll see what pops up next.

With all the crazy about these days, be sure to take precious care!

J

Reconnection

It’s been a minute…So much has happened between now and the last time I posted. I want to blame it all on pregnancy, but recreating rhythm with a toddler in tow isn’t the easiest thing in the world.  Anywho, here is what I’ve been learning the past couple of months.

Love surrounds you, if you choose to see it. 

I mean, I’m not going to act like I float around Bowie in a pink cloud. Flowers don’t bloom when I walk by. However, since moving here I’ve been feeling more loved by everything and everyone around me. Since I am actually open to being loved here in the present moment, I can see how love has always been with me. I just couldn’t see it at the time.

The present moment is all there is.

It could be pregnancy, but I am slowly becoming able to better distinguish whether the emotions I feel in the present moment come from the past or are actually rooted in the present. This information has kept me from creating drama as a means of acknowledging and working through old pain.

Children are as wise, loving and supportive as we allow them to be.

It’s easy to say this because lil Boo is no longer vomiting everywhere. However even when sick, this kid is loving, supportive and has an easy way of encouraging me and his father. It’s amazing. He’s so gentle with us in our moments of fragility. I thought that it was my job to hold this kid down, and that’s what he does for me 🙂 Motherhood is always so surprising!

Don’t fight nature when you can learn from it.  

The only nature we currently have living with us are crickets in the garage and the occasional spider or beetle. Despite all my fears, nothing has chewed it’s way in. Regularly burning oils and the local cat population have caused whatever was burrowing around and underneath the house to no longer be there. I don’t smell them anymore. In their short time, they’ve taught me to embrace things as they are. There is good and bad in everything. When I become absorbed in the bad or fight reality, I can’t see or receive what’s good. I choose not to see that I am never given more than I can  handle or manage. Life and nature has a rhythm and balance to it. The more I fear and fight; the more I throw things off balance.

 

Pregnancy is giving me more to process, but I haven’t really gotten to a space where I can write about it. I am so amazed how this second pregnancy is different than the first. Physically, spiritually and emotionally things are just different. We’ll see what unfolds from here.

Until next time,

Take Precious Care

J

 

 

Fear part 2: Bringing it back together

As the mouse chipmunk vole saga continues to unwind outside our house, I find myself learning more about fear everyday.

I hate fear. I should live boldly; bravely charging into life. I don’t want to deal with fear. It’s not like listening to fear has actually ever helped me. It usually makes things worse since I can’t fix what scares me. Fear is an annoyance that makes me feel powerless.

My adversarial relationship with fear creates cyclical chaos. Rather than just hearing fear and adjusting, I push it underground. Underground fear leaves me anxious, paranoid, surly, tired and eventually sick.

As I enjoy being sick, I realize I ain’t got time or energy to keep suppressing my fear. I need to listen to it. Theoretically, fear is an early warning system that something isn’t right. What’s wrong with knowing that something isn’t quite right? I am in a different situation now. I can actually act on what is bothering me. As I ritualistically soak the house with peppermint oil, I try to hear what I am afraid of.

I fear being violated. I need better personal boundaries. For me, personal boundaries goes beyond saying no. It’s learning to build relationships that create mutual benefit. It’s learning who to ask for what and being compassionate with whatever response I receive.  It’s learning to take things a little slower, so I can see more clearly. It’s also consistently reminding myself that the past has passed. I no longer need to make decisions as if I am still embroiled in chaotic shit. I made it through. I am safe in my vole free home. I can flourish now.

The more minty fresh the house becomes, the more I realize that the voles may not actually want to come in house. They just want a safe space to live breathe and have their being, just like me. Maybe I don’t have to soak everything in peppermint oil. Then I think I’d rather not have a bunch of rodents living, breathing and multiplying so close to the house. I’m ordering more peppermint oil.

Until next time.. Take precious care

J

 

 

Mommying Mommy: A visit from the Mother in law

It was so nice having my Mother in Law visit. It was a bit challenging, though. She took such delight in being with Lil Boo. She took him out on walks. She played with him for hours. She even baked cookies with the kid 🙂 It was beautiful to watch because I could see that someone loved him as much as I do. Most importantly, he loved the way she loved him. Lil Boo would call her name when he woke up from naps and before he went to bed. It was beautiful to watch those two. She also helped me a great deal. Often she would ask for take out, so I didn’t have to cook. She’d clean up after meals. She’d even insist that I go relax while she was here. So… I did relax.. until I didn’t.

In the midst of all my relaxing, I began to feel a wee guilty. I mean, the woman came all the way from France and I’m not entertaining her. I should be entertaining her. Early pregnancy nausea and fatigue be damned, I should be the host that my husband cannot be since he is at work! So I tried that for a minute and then grew surly about it…. because… well.. hormones! Besides, Lil Boo loves her like no one else and she cares for him like no one else. I deserve rest. Next time I’ll park my guilt.

Although I am used to feeling guilty, feeling jealous was a bit of a surprise. Suddenly, I wanted Lil Boo to call me  upon and to clean up after meals myself. I wanted to do everything myself again. I felt like my place had been taken. I had been replaced. It’s an odd thing to admit.

By the time all these emotions had peaked, she was leaving the next day 🙂 I could have my place back: cooking, cleaning and playing with Lil Boo all day long. That’s how I like things, anyway!

Until next time!

Take Precious Care!

 

What you gonna do?… Nothin…

As I rolled over into a crazy bought of nausea coupled with some dizzy, I began to ponder what herbal and yogic combination I put together to make myself feel better.

I mean, I could double up on the ginger tea and introduce some peach leaves. I could do more standing postures. I have to research ways to rid myself of these… uncomfortable sensations that keep me on the couch watching Fixer Upper while my son runs around the room. I mean, I gotta do something.

Then the idea came to me. I will do nothing! I mean, pregnancy is not a disease. It won’t kill me. I’ll be uncomfortable for a while and then it will pass. Things will be okay.

If you are asking how that’s working for me, my head is swimming as I type :). But, I feel okay with this choice. I feel like being in my body, a pregnant body is an amazing miracle and I want to experience all I can.  I don’t want to dull or avoid any of the “symptoms of pregnancy” because this is my last go around. I want to enjoy every little bit of it.

I am also beginning to feel like life is to be experienced the good and the bad; the pleasant and the painful. For once I am fully here and now. I don’t want to miss a thing. Events come and go, what makes them beneficial to us is our ability to experience them fully.

I say this now. Who knows what tomorrow will bring 🙂

Until then.. take precious care!

J

Mommying Mommy: I actually have everything I want

Somehow, compassion in the morning has become a practice. When I wake up fearing that I will lose the baby, or that something bad will happen, I stop listen to my fear and have compassion for it. Often the fear isn’t about being pregnant. It’s about something I feel that I’ve missed over the years.

It feels good to be sad about the past rather than wrestling with what I really think happened. When I wrestle with what happened, I get into intentions, my perception of events and a whole other mess of details that keep me from addressing how I really feel. I can intellectually understand why and how and what was done, but it doesn’t help me feel any less angry about it. When I actually hear my fear and embrace whatever comes with it I feel better. I honestly feel less angry and more like myself.

Feeling more like who I really am brought me to a conclusion. I really have and enjoy all the loving support I’ve wanted. It’s like I woke up surrounded by really interesting people who are supportive, kind and share my interests. Not to mention I still get to enjoy relationships that span more than half my lifetime. The man I love really does love me too. He wants me to be happy just like I want him to be happy. Not to mention there is this amazing little boy I get to watch grow into a man and another little one on the way. This is the life I wanted. I wanted to feel like I belong with and to beautiful loving people. I wanted to love them and be loved by them. I wanted to nurture life and watch it grow. I get to do all the things that I have most wanted. Why stay in a past that felt loveless when there is so much love right here?

Oddly enough, I still have feelings about the past. However those feelings don’t seem to overshadow the present as much anymore. The here and now seems so much more… juicy because I can feel the difference between what is and what was.

Well.. we’ll see what comes up next..until next time..

Take Precious Care,

J

 

Mommying Mommy: Past time Paradise

This morning, a little compassion arrived and I was so very grateful for it. You see, ever since finding out that I am pregnant I’ve been terrified. All these thoughts racing through my head. What if I die in labor? What if we have twins? What if I have to labor in the hospital and shit gets crazy? What if I miscarry? What if What if What if.

It’s been interesting sorting through these thoughts. Some of them, don’t belong to me. They belong to others. These thoughts come from other mother’s experiences. They are stories I’ve heard, or just general pregnancy fear mongering. It amazes me how pregnant women are to remain peaceful and calm when we are told that everything we do will either kill us or our babies.

The thoughts that belong to me, though, don’t belong in the present moment. They belong to the past. I fear this child being taken from me, or that pregnancy be ruined some how. Like so many other moments that were to be joyful, I fear this moment being ruined in some way. I can’t be happy without it being shot to shit.

So, instead of huffing through my morning practice, I took a second to actually hear myself. I heard my thoughts and my fear. It made me so very sad. Sad that I’ve missed out on what should’ve been some joy. Sad that I still feel this way. Sad that I experienced this. It felt like I wrapped my arms around myself and gave myself space to be hurt and sad. It was nice.

It was nice to feel like it was okay to be sad and scared. It was nice to have compassion for me. However, I can’t really ignore these fears. I feel a need to honor my fear through good decisions and strong boundaries. We’ll see what unfolds..

Until next time..Take Precious Care,

J