Reconnection

It’s been a minute…So much has happened between now and the last time I posted. I want to blame it all on pregnancy, but recreating rhythm with a toddler in tow isn’t the easiest thing in the world.  Anywho, here is what I’ve been learning the past couple of months.

Love surrounds you, if you choose to see it. 

I mean, I’m not going to act like I float around Bowie in a pink cloud. Flowers don’t bloom when I walk by. However, since moving here I’ve been feeling more loved by everything and everyone around me. Since I am actually open to being loved here in the present moment, I can see how love has always been with me. I just couldn’t see it at the time.

The present moment is all there is.

It could be pregnancy, but I am slowly becoming able to better distinguish whether the emotions I feel in the present moment come from the past or are actually rooted in the present. This information has kept me from creating drama as a means of acknowledging and working through old pain.

Children are as wise, loving and supportive as we allow them to be.

It’s easy to say this because lil Boo is no longer vomiting everywhere. However even when sick, this kid is loving, supportive and has an easy way of encouraging me and his father. It’s amazing. He’s so gentle with us in our moments of fragility. I thought that it was my job to hold this kid down, and that’s what he does for me 🙂 Motherhood is always so surprising!

Don’t fight nature when you can learn from it.  

The only nature we currently have living with us are crickets in the garage and the occasional spider or beetle. Despite all my fears, nothing has chewed it’s way in. Regularly burning oils and the local cat population have caused whatever was burrowing around and underneath the house to no longer be there. I don’t smell them anymore. In their short time, they’ve taught me to embrace things as they are. There is good and bad in everything. When I become absorbed in the bad or fight reality, I can’t see or receive what’s good. I choose not to see that I am never given more than I can  handle or manage. Life and nature has a rhythm and balance to it. The more I fear and fight; the more I throw things off balance.

 

Pregnancy is giving me more to process, but I haven’t really gotten to a space where I can write about it. I am so amazed how this second pregnancy is different than the first. Physically, spiritually and emotionally things are just different. We’ll see what unfolds from here.

Until next time,

Take Precious Care

J

 

 

Fear part 2: Bringing it back together

As the mouse chipmunk vole saga continues to unwind outside our house, I find myself learning more about fear everyday.

I hate fear. I should live boldly; bravely charging into life. I don’t want to deal with fear. It’s not like listening to fear has actually ever helped me. It usually makes things worse since I can’t fix what scares me. Fear is an annoyance that makes me feel powerless.

My adversarial relationship with fear creates cyclical chaos. Rather than just hearing fear and adjusting, I push it underground. Underground fear leaves me anxious, paranoid, surly, tired and eventually sick.

As I enjoy being sick, I realize I ain’t got time or energy to keep suppressing my fear. I need to listen to it. Theoretically, fear is an early warning system that something isn’t right. What’s wrong with knowing that something isn’t quite right? I am in a different situation now. I can actually act on what is bothering me. As I ritualistically soak the house with peppermint oil, I try to hear what I am afraid of.

I fear being violated. I need better personal boundaries. For me, personal boundaries goes beyond saying no. It’s learning to build relationships that create mutual benefit. It’s learning who to ask for what and being compassionate with whatever response I receive.  It’s learning to take things a little slower, so I can see more clearly. It’s also consistently reminding myself that the past has passed. I no longer need to make decisions as if I am still embroiled in chaotic shit. I made it through. I am safe in my vole free home. I can flourish now.

The more minty fresh the house becomes, the more I realize that the voles may not actually want to come in house. They just want a safe space to live breathe and have their being, just like me. Maybe I don’t have to soak everything in peppermint oil. Then I think I’d rather not have a bunch of rodents living, breathing and multiplying so close to the house. I’m ordering more peppermint oil.

Until next time.. Take precious care

J

 

 

Mommying Mommy: Past time Paradise

This morning, a little compassion arrived and I was so very grateful for it. You see, ever since finding out that I am pregnant I’ve been terrified. All these thoughts racing through my head. What if I die in labor? What if we have twins? What if I have to labor in the hospital and shit gets crazy? What if I miscarry? What if What if What if.

It’s been interesting sorting through these thoughts. Some of them, don’t belong to me. They belong to others. These thoughts come from other mother’s experiences. They are stories I’ve heard, or just general pregnancy fear mongering. It amazes me how pregnant women are to remain peaceful and calm when we are told that everything we do will either kill us or our babies.

The thoughts that belong to me, though, don’t belong in the present moment. They belong to the past. I fear this child being taken from me, or that pregnancy be ruined some how. Like so many other moments that were to be joyful, I fear this moment being ruined in some way. I can’t be happy without it being shot to shit.

So, instead of huffing through my morning practice, I took a second to actually hear myself. I heard my thoughts and my fear. It made me so very sad. Sad that I’ve missed out on what should’ve been some joy. Sad that I still feel this way. Sad that I experienced this. It felt like I wrapped my arms around myself and gave myself space to be hurt and sad. It was nice.

It was nice to feel like it was okay to be sad and scared. It was nice to have compassion for me. However, I can’t really ignore these fears. I feel a need to honor my fear through good decisions and strong boundaries. We’ll see what unfolds..

Until next time..Take Precious Care,

J

Mommying Mommy: Feeling what I am feeling

Because I am no longer able to day drink, I’ve been working on creative ways to be present with challenging emotions that arise while I am with little one….

Things we’ve been doing that seem to work:

  1. Omming
  2. Deep breathing (focus on exhalation)
  3. Singing

Things that don’t seem to work:

  1. Thinking about my emotions*
  2. Snapping at lil Boo

*I want to note that thinking about my feelings is quite different than actually acknowledging them. I notice that I have a tendency to actually judge whatever I am feeling rather than just feel it. For me all my feelings are bad and thus should not go any further than bubbling up from the depths. I’m working on that though 🙂

Slowly but surely I learning to Mother myself as I am attempting to Mother Little Boo. I will let keep you posted as things unfold.

 

Take Precious Care

J

 

Kinda back in the body: Feel the fear

As I continue my journey to being fully engaged in my body in the present moment I feel so much fear. Fear is deep within me. It quietly saps my will and makes everything so much harder than it needs to be.

Fear pools up in my lower back causing pain and a bit of low-key mayhem. Fear tells me I am getting sick. Fear inspires miscommunications with dear loved ones. Fear  prevents compassion for myself and others as we all go through whatever we are going through.

I feel so much fear that I just want to stop, curl myself into a ball and just sleep all day long. I don’t want to do shit. I don’t want to play with my son. I don’t want to cook. I don’t want to socialize or do anything where I can be seen or have to say shit to anyone. I want to hide in the safe space of my imagination. In my imagination there is never anything to fear. I can always imagine again, if I don’t like where my mind is wandering.

This fear, my fear, is old. The time when it kept me safe has came and went many moons ago. I don’t need it anymore. But I keep hanging on to it and it keeps hanging on to me. It even pops up when I haven’t been with it in a while; like it’s an old friend coming to visit.

I want to say that I am doing something to deal with the fear; like there is some magical yoga practice combined with some herb that is eradicating my fear. There isn’t such a thing; not that I’ve found :). Or maybe there is and I am too comfy with my fear.

I know that I get like this. The best I can do is put one foot in front of the other. I’ve shifted my practice to strengthen and ease my aching back. I have been on top of drinking my daily teas. I am trying not to be completely antisocial. I also remind myself that I am no longer in the past, but in the present moment. Sometimes that helps, sometimes not so much. For now, that’s all I got.

I remember the saying feel the fear and do whatever you are going to do anyway. It sounds cute, but not quite as easy as it sounds.

Things  get better though. They always do.

 

Take Precious Care,

J

 

Still in the body: Fear and Anxiety

As part of consistently honoring my commitment to being fully engaged in present moment, I can see things I couldn’t see before. Now, it’s not like I always know what to do with that I am seeing, but when I can see something I have a little more space to make different decisions.

So, what am I seeing you may ask? Presently, I am noticing an intense amount of fear and anxiety when I am not grounded in the present moment. I can dig that my fear and anxiety are protective measures. If I can detect danger or problematic behavior I can avoid it. But not everything can be avoided. I do much better managing bad situations when I am fully grounded and engaged in my body, which is the key to all of this.

I am slowly learning that fear and anxiety are a warning that I am not fully grounded in my body in the present moment. Ungrounded Fear and anxiety come when my imagination has taken me hostage, I’ve been abusing my intuition, or I’m uncomfortable for one reason or another.

On the other hand, when I feel fear and am in my body, it’s a physical sensation that is often is rooted in my belly. When I feel anxious and am in my body it’s either in my head or belly. Not to mention that both fear and anxiety usually come with clear instructions. When fear and anxiety come and I am outside my body, all I get is panic, stress and worse case scenarios. There is nothing tangible to help keep me safe.

Oddly enough, the more I commit to being fully present in the moment, the more it feels like being present is committed to me too. Things only run awry when I abandon myself in the present moment. I am excited to see what comes up next 🙂

 

Take Precious Care!

J

 

Still in the body: The French Edition

For the past couple of weeks, I have been enjoying grounding myself in the morning. I wake up, call all of me into my body. Ask whatever ain’t mine to leave and then proceed to ground my chakras, and protect my auric field.

This has been awesome! I feel much more connected and integrated with my body, the land around me and the house I live in 🙂 I can hear more, which is helpful although sometimes overwhelming. Being clairaudient is another post all together.

Any who, my ground practice changed when we went to Paris to visit family. In France, I didn’t need to ground. All I did was check all was connected and aligned. That’s all that was needed. I was chilling and at peace in my body! The same was true when we visited Montpellier in the South. In France I was at ease in my body and connected to the Earth in a natural way that didn’t require constant upkeep.

Now that I am back in the US, I find it easier to ground myself than when I left. But, I have to keep a closer watch. I am much more prone to popping out of myself here. I am much more fearful and anxious here. To be honest, I felt so much fear about returning to the US, I didn’t want to come back.

My fear and anxiety have a few sources. I am black. That’s enough to be anxious about things these day. However, the root of my anxiety is in the trauma I’ve experienced here while growing up. I am still actively working through it while still figuring out how to cope with triggers. Even though there were quite a few triggers in France, I could actually see why I was triggered, address it and return to calm quickly there. Here in the US, I fear that I won’t be as swiftly effective. Not to mention, France feels like a free zone. I am far away from what terrorizes me in the US. An ocean of distance is quite different than a trip down the road.

There seems to be a few keys to being in the US safely and calmly in my body. First, I feel like it’s important to honor my anxiety and fear. They are justified 🙂 Second, I need to change how I interact with myself and others. I need to live and be in a way that allows me to be safe. Third I need to cultivate a deeper relationship with my body and emotions. Both my body and emotions let me know when I am in danger. Rather than seeking to silence my fear and anxiety I can learn to embrace and hear them. I can honor their purpose and move from there.

We’ll see what unfolds from here 🙂 Take Precious Care of you!

Infinite Blessings

J