.. First trimester of pregnancy… feeling like shit… as expected… feeling a bit more evil than usual.. not quite expected… I don’t usually do evil.. But I am down right stabby.
What is unexpected is.. is watching myself getting ready to repeat a painful life pattern and trying to figure out how to make a different decision.
What’s the pattern: creating, finding, enjoying, building community….not just folks I know and publicly tolerate… but finding folks who fit all sorts of little parts of me.. supportive community that brings all sort of parts of me into expression and completion.. and then abandoning it.. for some reason or another.. sometimes.. the reason is graduation from College, or having to leave the country because I am impatient… other times the reason is petty as fuck. I have and can still be petty.
Here I sit now surrounded by black mothers. Yes it is a special heaven for me. And not just one type of Black Mother.. a variety of black women representing the richness that is the DMV 🙂 It’s a fucking party– every Wednesday. However we live in an expensive area where it can be challenging to find something nice. Do I stay here and find a way to find a needle in a haystack, or high tail it to an area further away, but more .. affordable.
This choice reminds me of all the bullshit things we tell our kids like, you’ll keep in touch with Jorge after he moves. He can come over and play or you can visit; earstwhile knowing that shit may or may not happen. Life situations change once we move. Keeping relationships is hard enough without adding kids, husbands, life and distance to the equation.
We won’t get into the schools or community portion of this situation.
I just feel like this shit is a theme in my life: I meet awesome as fuck folk and then bolt.
For once, I’d like to make a different decision. I am just not quite sure how 🙁
It was so nice having my Mother in Law visit. It was a bit challenging, though. She took such delight in being with Lil Boo. She took him out on walks. She played with him for hours. She even baked cookies with the kid 🙂 It was beautiful to watch because I could see that someone loved him as much as I do. Most importantly, he loved the way she loved him. Lil Boo would call her name when he woke up from naps and before he went to bed. It was beautiful to watch those two. She also helped me a great deal. Often she would ask for take out, so I didn’t have to cook. She’d clean up after meals. She’d even insist that I go relax while she was here. So… I did relax.. until I didn’t.
In the midst of all my relaxing, I began to feel a wee guilty. I mean, the woman came all the way from France and I’m not entertaining her. I should be entertaining her. Early pregnancy nausea and fatigue be damned, I should be the host that my husband cannot be since he is at work! So I tried that for a minute and then grew surly about it…. because… well.. hormones! Besides, Lil Boo loves her like no one else and she cares for him like no one else. I deserve rest. Next time I’ll park my guilt.
Although I am used to feeling guilty, feeling jealous was a bit of a surprise. Suddenly, I wanted Lil Boo to call me upon and to clean up after meals myself. I wanted to do everything myself again. I felt like my place had been taken. I had been replaced. It’s an odd thing to admit.
By the time all these emotions had peaked, she was leaving the next day 🙂 I could have my place back: cooking, cleaning and playing with Lil Boo all day long. That’s how I like things, anyway!
Until next time!
Take Precious Care!
Despite my best efforts to be present and grounded, some days I stay in the ether. Even with little Boo, I am there but somehow not.
My attention is with this little part of me holding on. She waits in the mist and wants me to know that she is waiting because when her patience pays off, we will all rejoice.
What is she waiting for? She is waiting from my Mother. In her little suitcase there is a list (among other things that little girls would keep in suitcases). The list details all the things that her, and other parts of me have been waiting patiently to receive from my mother. She has complete faith that one day Mom will show up as the Mother she has always wanted and that they can go have tea. All will be well and I can move the fuck on from waiting..
Now this little girl isn’t alone. She representative of a contingent. There are other little me’s of varying ages all hanging out with lists. Waiting for the Mother they’ve always wanted too. Not to say that I haven’t had (or don’t presently enjoy) Mother figures, but they have their mind set on My Mother. Only she will do. I’ve offered to do for myself what they need. They have no interest in me. Even my husband will occasionally pitch in; whether he realizes it or not. They sigh, shake their head, point to their lists and contracts; obstinately waiting for her.
The fucked up thing is that I know she ain’t coming. My Mother, is a kind loving woman. She is just not the woman…. well…. we have different values, so we don’t really know how to be Mother and Daughter. I don’t know how to be her daughter because, it isn’t in me to behave the way she wants. Usually what she wants from me agitates me. And well, I’m sure she feels rejected because I want things from her that ain’t in her. I’ve let her know this time and time again. So, instead of coming together and loving each other, we do an awkward dance where both of us end up hurt.
I want to accept the parts of me that are waiting because they deserve my loving compassion. If anything they remind me of what is important to me and how vital it is that I ensure a loving connection with the kids. I want to accept Mother also. I know she can’t give me what I seek, but she is still my Mother. There has to be some way to more fully accept what is, so I can be more present. It’s shitty to be constantly pulled between here and now.
No real solutions today. Only observations 🙂
Until next time.. Take Precious Care
I had a revelation. Chaka Khan fucking lied. Or she didn’t have children at the time.
I am not everywoman. That shit ain’t all in me. Hell, I am doing good to be just me. I would be doing better though if I could be okay with pleasing me instead of trying to please everyone else though.
Pleasing everyone is an old habit that runs me ragged. It causes me to volunteer myself and agree to do shit that I know I don’t want to do. It leads me to answering the phone when I have no business doing so. And it causes my to cater to folk, when I really ought to be catering to myself.
As I silenced my phone this weekend and commenced to reading smutty manga, I realized that trying to please everyone else ain’t working too well. In fact, it runs me ragged and causes a great deal of resentment. People pleasing also helps me make a mess of shit that wouldn’t be so messy if I just told the truth.
Do I really need everyone to like me? What happens if people like me for who I am rather than what I do for them? I don’t know. I don’t know. I just know that I am exhausted and need to make some better decisions from a different place. We’ll see how this comes together.
Until next time..Take Precious Care
At a Mocha Mom’s meeting.. told to calm down.. it reminded me that there are things I can do (outside of taking copius teas and shit) to be less anxious. Going warp speed on 10 is my choice… I really can stop..
How? I can pay attention to things that cause me anxiety.. like say.. taking 10 million pregnancy tests.. and stop doing that shit right there…stuff like..doing shit I don’t want to do to be a martyr.. having crazy stupid expectations of myself. Stuff like that..
Paying attention doesn’t mean I’ll stop, but it means that I’ll at least see my own crazy making and know I can quit when I want to hahahahaha! 😉
The funny thing about this is there is shit I can’t control. The shit like.. will my child get into this expensive, hippy bougie preschool.. will this hippy bougie preschool give my child money to attend….will there be brown little boys like my son at this hippy bougie preschool, will my 1099’s arrive soon, how many people will show up to class this weekend… and on and on
There is crazy making that is my own doing, I can admit that. I am just wondering what to do about the shit I can’t do anything about. My usual plans of taking pre-emptive care of myself by randomly saying fuck it to everything fell through when I had a baby 😀 I don’t know what to do now i have no new tricks… How do I function within all of this mess?
One morning, I woke up with the inspiration that I have given special meaning to events in my life that maybe don’t mean what I think they do.
No, that’s a lie. This inspiration came from Karen C.L. Anderson’s work. I guess this somehow proves the point. Everyday things happen. I ascribe meaning to these things that happen. Oddly enough, the meaning I ascribe to things often fit a narrative. If I choose to see things from a different light, I can shift the way I perceive myself and my life. I can begin to shift my narrative.
Now, I am not talking about selling myself horse shit in guise of fudge. I am talking about seeing the past from an adult’s perspective rather than that of a child’s. The pain, frustration and anger are still there and reasonable given the circumstances. However, there is a context that provides space for compassion and lightness that wasn’t there before.
It feels so soothing. Like peanut butter, I want to slather my new perspective all over my bitterness in hopes of creating something delicious. I can’t lie. I’ve found some yummy, but I’ve also come to see myself quite differently. I don’t feel like such a fuck up anymore. I just feel lost and forever in an odd space of transition. The messed up thing is, I can see where I lost myself too. It’s sad to see. But it also means that I can find myself again too 🙂
If anything, Motherhood gives you many opportunities to recreate and transform as your kids do. In fact, I feel like being a mother demands it in some ways. We’ll see what comes up next. Until next time…
Take precious care!
I am honestly quite an anxious person. Or rather, I feel a great deal of anxiety. And when I am most anxious, I try to be in control. I can’t control life. All I can do my best and and that’s it. Nothing is really certain in the world. Control over anything but myself isn’t real.
I know all these things about why I can’t control life, but that doesn’t mean I won’t try. I figure if I am control of everything there is no need for me to be anxious. So, I plan to get whatever I want. I push to get whatever I want. I work to get what I want. I scheme to get whatever I want; anything but trust whatever I want to unfold. The odd time when things did blossom into what I most wanted, it was beautiful. Maybe I haven’t recovered from the beauty of that experience.
As we have started making Boo#2, I find myself rife with anxiety. I am pushing. I am working. I am doing everything I can to have/make/create another life as if it was all mine to do all alone. We have a midwife, I am looking at furniture, charting my temperature, peeing on sticks, budgeting for the future, following my ovulation, drinking my fertility tea, doing my fertility yoga practice…. all with the hope and prayer that all this activity unfolding into a healthy baby, right now!!!!!!
God knows that babies arrive how and when they want. They also do what they want. I really have little say in the matter. But somehow I’ve decided it’s time. So now the tension mounts and I try to control a situation that is out of my control. Because you know, anxiety will increase your fertility. It sure will 🙂
Somehow I want to tie up this post with a bow of enlightenment and serenity. You know a pithy ending that means I’ve grown and shit. But I haven’t really grown :). I just know that I don’t really want to be this way. Somehow, it never works. I push too hard and end up no where. We’ll see what happens next.
Take Precious Care
One fateful Saturday Morning I stumbled across the most interesting parenting article. It was a guide for what to expect from your little ones as they grow and how to best support them. Part of me was intrigued and the other part suspicious. I am naturally suspicious of just about everything and okay with it 😀
After reading the guide, I had a few more insights about how to better support Little Boo aaaannnnddd I had a deeper understanding of little me. I’d always felt that I had a surly teenager and a four year old battling my adult self for control. This guide confirmed my suspicion and gave me hope.
It was soothing to see where and how I am developmentally stuck. It’s super exciting to see how to best parent myself when my inner teenager and Little Me show up. Although I must say they usually show up when I am need of self care in some way. They have wisdom and their approach reflects what they most want me to heal.
I still have some way to go before I can say that I understand them because I find myself more attached to shutting them up than to actually hearing what they have to say. But I can say this guide helped. I am committed to hearing them more. I am committed to receiving the wisdom they have to offer.
Until next time, take Precious Care!
As I darted around the bedroom this morning an angry voice popped up in my head. She demanded that I take some time to be real with myself about where my business and my life are heading. She was insistent that I take some time to rest. She reminded me that I needed to be more mindful of all the things I take on in the hopes of being loved. These situations rarely turn out how I want/expect. She also said that I was no good to myself or anyone else if I was constantly on the verge of “fuck it”. I quickly pressed mute on this voice and hurried downstairs. I needed to make Little Boo breakfast and start the day. Everything is fine!
Now.. I so want to say that my disregarding my own wisdom is rare, but it’s not. After spending some time thinking about that voice’s advice today I realized that the voice was right.
1) I am one to volunteer to do some shit in hopes of making friends. Instead of making friends, I become doer of shit that no one else wants to do. (booooooooo!)
2) After caring for my sick husband and Little Boo, I am in dire need of me time!
3) I am on the verge of some major change. Moving forward mindfully would be helpful.
And finally 4) I give myself some excellent advice; especially when it comes to relationships with others. Why am I hell bent on not following it?
I find that I am most likely to disregard my own advice when it contradicts what I think others want from me. There is a part of me who really wants to be liked and useful–even at my own detriment. In fact I believe that this part of me likes being at it’s own detriment. This way I can act like a martyr if you don’t like me how I want you to. I mean if I can’t be liked, I should at least be a martyr :D. You don’t like me after I sacrificed all this shit for you? How dare you!! I know this sounds familiar to someone reading this post ;D.
But really, I’d like to move into a space where loving myself is more important than what others do. That shit sounds hard and a bit scary, yet liberating. We’ll see 🙂
Take Precious Care,
Quite often managing my own emotions in front of Little Boo kicks my ass. In the moment, it’s so much easier to be absorbed in what I am trying to teach Little Boo through words, rather than what I teach him through action. Sadly, I am not always the woman I’d like to be in front of him and don’t always remember to give him a “mommy was showing her ass for this reason today” lecture. The kid deserves an explanation and can handle it.
Slowly, I am learning to give myself compassion and love as I give compassion and love to Little Boo. It feels foolish to expect myself to be perfect and have it all together all the time. I learn the most and the best when things get messy and I have to sort it out. That doesn’t mean I need to create large messes, but I can give myself a little loving compassion when I do. That’s what I would do for him.
It often feels like our emotions mirror one another. When he gets agitated, I get agitated as well, but never for the same reason. There is often a small part of me that wants be difficult, by feeling and expressing it’s own frustration at the same time; as if Little me is fighting for my attention, affection and loving forgiveness. When I have energy I can see and attend to both. I can love him and myself at the same time. In those moments, peace comes quickly.
The challenge is remaining spacious enough to love myself as I would love Little Boo. It’s been quite hard to do so lately. Between nursery school applications, sickness, honey-do’s, and a whole host of shit that ain’t mine but require my energy, my internal space has evaporated. It’s been tough to be compassionate with him or me. Despite all this crap, I keep growing—just like little Boo.
Rather than being the parent who knows everything it often feels like my son is teaching me. Everyday he gently shows me how to love and have compassion for the parts of me that are little. I tell ya, Little Boo is amazing.
Take Precious Care!