Mommying Mommy: I love my Mommy Issues

I remember preparing to get pregnant with Little Boo. I worked so hard to get through, what I considered to be my “shit”. Specifically, my shit is an accumulation of habits, attitudes, perspectives and patterns I used to get through childhood. The shit was helpful then. It really ain’t so helpful right now. I worked with intuitives, saw a shaman, prayed, read, went to therapy. I did all I could to “heal” myself of this pain I’ve been feeling for so long.

Little Boo finally came. We moved from the west coast to the east coast. I watched my father die of cancer. I started working again. Life moved on and expanded beyond my Mommy Issues. But somehow, like always, I am here again with this pain. It stirs within me. It grabs my attention and wrestles me to the floor. It takes me over and I succumb to it; forgetting who and where I am.

Here I am again with this pain in my chest. Here I am again preparing to do battle with a part of me that.. maybe I should not be fighting. I mean, if something grabs my attention from within me– it must have something important to say. I am learning to listen. If something is tugging at my pants leg because it wants me–it must need me. I’m working on stopping and loving it. Slowly I am learning to stop fighting my pain. It has something for me and I don’t need to fight it.

As I have learned to be kinder to me my pain has calmed down and softened a bit. I don’t only get more pain when I stop and listen to it. Sometimes I get a five year old hugging me from the inside and telling me that everything will be okay. Other times, I get invitations to imaginary tea parties and a strong desire to wear fancy hats.

Since my son is a toddler, sometimes Little me takes the place of pain and plays with my son. It seems to bring everyone involved fun.

Slowly, I am learning to stop seeing pain and start hearing myself. I am learning to attend to and address my own needs. I am learning to love myself and all my little Mommy issues. All I needed to do was to stop fighting myself and start listening.

 

Take Precious Care,

J

Still in the body: What it takes to be here

The more I commit myself to fully being in my body, the more I see how badly I treat myself when I am in my body. It ranges from small things like eating gluten when I know my immune system is already struggling and my digestion is sluggish, to large things like not honoring my need for tranquility and taking on things I don’t want to do. There are a million little ways that I disregard my own wisdom, violate my own boundaries and generally fuck myself up only to blame others in anger.

It’s odd. My behavior hasn’t really changed much since my commitment to being more present and engaged in my body. I can just better see how I create my own pain. I understand why I am so dreamy. If I don’t honor my own boundaries and have faith in my internal guidance why even try to engage life? I’m not really living. Fuck it, let’s read manga and watch bullshit all day. I am not really expressing myself anyway; I am only doing/being what others want with the hopes of being loved. Am I really being loved (or being loving) if I am not being myself?

The good thing about this depressing ass turd sandwich is that I can now see how I sabotage myself and my relationship with my body (or myself).  Since I know how I am hurting myself, I can make different decisions and give myself grace when I don’t. Knowing is half the battle 🙂

I so want to leave this in a little “everything will be alright” bow 🙂 It will be alright. Over the past week or so I’ve started working with Wild Rose Flower Essence from Green Hope Farm. I feel more of myself in my body. I feel stronger, more present and much more compassionate. Slowly and surely I will unravel and love my hurt. I’ll get there. We all do.

Until next time.. Take Precious Care!

J

 

 

 

 

 

Mommying Mommy: Feeling what I am feeling

Because I am no longer able to day drink, I’ve been working on creative ways to be present with challenging emotions that arise while I am with little one….

Things we’ve been doing that seem to work:

  1. Omming
  2. Deep breathing (focus on exhalation)
  3. Singing

Things that don’t seem to work:

  1. Thinking about my emotions*
  2. Snapping at lil Boo

*I want to note that thinking about my feelings is quite different than actually acknowledging them. I notice that I have a tendency to actually judge whatever I am feeling rather than just feel it. For me all my feelings are bad and thus should not go any further than bubbling up from the depths. I’m working on that though 🙂

Slowly but surely I learning to Mother myself as I am attempting to Mother Little Boo. I will let keep you posted as things unfold.

 

Take Precious Care

J

 

Still in the body: Dropping into the Heart

Since I am now reading Karen L. Anderson’s book: The Peaceful Daughter’s Guide, working with my body has changed a bit. Somehow my body no longer feels like a foreign entity that kicks my ass for various reasons that make no sense to me.

I can now appreciate my body as an integral part of my being that allows me to participate in life. When I heed it’s wisdom my body offers me all sorts of juicy information about the past, present and sometimes the future. My challenge in life has just been staying with myself, in my body, no matter what is going on. I have a tendency to wig out, forget my body and then come back to it much later than originally anticipated.

Which is why I find Karen L. Anderson’s suggestion of becoming an observer such a fascinating one. As I read it, her intention with this exercise is to support you in noticing what emotions and thoughts arise when you are triggered. If you watch what comes up you learn that it’s possible for you to choose different thoughts, feelings and actions.

I’ll be honest, it’s my first day on this exercise. But I did detect a difference between when I noticed things from my heart and when I noticed things from my head. My heart space seemed to integrate things in a respectful loving way. Everything felt connected, but yet okay as it’s beautiful self. Everything fit together like an amazing mosaic. Each piece is working on itself and yet fits together to create beauty. Even though I did sense a little maliciousness upon occasion, it didn’t feel like I needed to take it personally and engage which is something I usually do. I didn’t fly off the handle today 😀 It’s a miracle!

Noticing things from my third eye or head feels sharp and clear, but also highly prone to change. It’s like being presented with a myriad of choices all at once. When I observe from my third eye it’s easy to get lost in millions of different possibilities inherent in each breath.

I enjoy clear sharp thinking, but Lawd I love the gushy oneness. It just felt all good in my body 🙂 Which is very important given all the pain it’s been through– right?

We’ll see how this comes together!

Be good to yourself!

J

Still in the body: Emotionally Constipated

Damn ya’ll, I have hit a big snag in my mmmmm… voyage into the body. My emotions are literally fucking me up. I was in pain.

No, really I was in break-out the whiskey and bite a stick because you are about to cut something off pain. It started as a twinge in my right hip. I thought it was due to a little bit of rough housing combined with improper alignment during my yoga practice. So, I shifted my yoga practice, stopped rough housing with my son and had confidence that the pain would go away.

It didn’t. Not only did the pain increase, it started to rise up into my lower back. Meaning whenever I woke up in the morning, I rolled out of bed scrunched and hunched over on my right side and could barely walk. It took most of the morning to warm my body up and picking up my son was out of the question. Try not picking up a toddler 🙁 To let me know that it was serious, my body started waking up at God-awful hours and not going back to sleep until 10 minutes before my alarm. No herbal concoction could bring me good sleep. Only NyQuil would do and even with that shit I was up at 5-ish.

In the midst of all this physical pain and frustration, I forgot to feel my feelings. I never checked in. I mean I kept grounding chakras and shifting around my yoga practice which offered some relief. But, it took me a week or so to actually stop and feel my feelings.

My emotions (and I have lots of them) have a way of pooling in my hips and lower back. When I refuse to pay attention to what I am feeling, this is usually where pain starts and increases until I listen. If I am super stubborn (and I am) my sleep starts to mess up. When I wake early and my hips throb– that is my clue to just let my feelings flow. So, eventually I did just that.

What did I hear? I heard all sorts of nasty stuff 🙂 Rage, frustration, pain from many moons ago. All sorts of things that I have ignored over the years because it has been easier to bury my feelings underneath food, dick, alcohol and/or good weed over the years than to actually feel anything.

All this listening and feeling has led me to another book. I know, I am a sucker for heal your bullshit books. But, my lower back has stopped hurting and my hips are less cranky. There is hope for me yet 🙂

Until next time, Stay warm and be good yourself!

J

 

Kinda back in the body: Feel the fear

As I continue my journey to being fully engaged in my body in the present moment I feel so much fear. Fear is deep within me. It quietly saps my will and makes everything so much harder than it needs to be.

Fear pools up in my lower back causing pain and a bit of low-key mayhem. Fear tells me I am getting sick. Fear inspires miscommunications with dear loved ones. Fear  prevents compassion for myself and others as we all go through whatever we are going through.

I feel so much fear that I just want to stop, curl myself into a ball and just sleep all day long. I don’t want to do shit. I don’t want to play with my son. I don’t want to cook. I don’t want to socialize or do anything where I can be seen or have to say shit to anyone. I want to hide in the safe space of my imagination. In my imagination there is never anything to fear. I can always imagine again, if I don’t like where my mind is wandering.

This fear, my fear, is old. The time when it kept me safe has came and went many moons ago. I don’t need it anymore. But I keep hanging on to it and it keeps hanging on to me. It even pops up when I haven’t been with it in a while; like it’s an old friend coming to visit.

I want to say that I am doing something to deal with the fear; like there is some magical yoga practice combined with some herb that is eradicating my fear. There isn’t such a thing; not that I’ve found :). Or maybe there is and I am too comfy with my fear.

I know that I get like this. The best I can do is put one foot in front of the other. I’ve shifted my practice to strengthen and ease my aching back. I have been on top of drinking my daily teas. I am trying not to be completely antisocial. I also remind myself that I am no longer in the past, but in the present moment. Sometimes that helps, sometimes not so much. For now, that’s all I got.

I remember the saying feel the fear and do whatever you are going to do anyway. It sounds cute, but not quite as easy as it sounds.

Things  get better though. They always do.

 

Take Precious Care,

J

 

Still in the body: Not really

You know what, I’ve been so very well behaved lately. These past few days, it kinda went to shit though. I was triggered a few times and I did not take proper care of myself. I didn’t take time to remind myself I am no longer a child. Nor did I ask for any of the support and space I needed.

I did what I normally do when I wig out. I cooked a bunch a food and then proceeded to eat bullshit. Eating sugary bullshit usually makes me even more crazy because I find it harder to ground when high on sugar. Through out all of the fight starting crazy I didn’t even practice a lick of yoga. No child’s pose. No chair pose, No warrior… no nothing. I’m a mess.

For the past few days I have been floating around in a daze. But, a few things are helping me get back into my body and fully engage life.

  1. I finally got to hang out with my son. I swear every night, that kid hangs the stars in the sky. It’s so very lovely to be around him. And when he isn’t easing into the terrible two’s he makes being present, grounded and fully engaged easy and fun.
  2. I felt things that bring me life. When I say I felt them, I mean I thought about and imagined them until I could feel my body light up from the inside out. It’s a cool feeling 🙂
  3. I finally got my ass on my yoga mat. When I practice I am in my body and I have space to not be so.. floaty 🙂 It’s one of the places I feel safe. Besides, it’s dangerous to be outside your body while on your mat. That’s when you injure yourself.

I am still working on re-engaging myself fully. However, I am noticing that when I feel excess anxiety or fear I am outside my body. I also am noticing the difference of how I interact with other when I am in my body vs elsewhere. When I am grounded and present I can listen to others even though we may disagree. When I am outside my body, I am volatile because everything reminds me of some distant memory.

Although this sucks ass I can say this has been quite educational. We’ll see what comes up next week!

Take Precious Care,

J

Still in the body: Transforming nature of Emotions

So, I am still working through Peter Levine’s book: Healing Trauma. I am currently at an exercise where he asks that you track sensations in the body as preparation for sitting with your emotions. After grounding and centering yourself, he suggests that you sit with whatever emotion comes up. He asks that you observe and feel said emotion in your body without analyzing, naming or putting it into context. Levine asks that you sit with the emotion until it changes.

I want to say that I find this practice easy. That would be a lie, though 🙂 It’s challenging to do in the moment with a toddler. Sitting, feeling acknowledging my mounting anxiety while watching my son get his breakfast everywhere but his mouth hasn’t quite worked for me :).

When I am alone and feeling courageous, sitting with emotions is much easier. I find that I am sometimes even able to restrain my desire to classify and make sense of what I am feeling and why. Grounding into the sensation that the emotion causes in and around my body helps me stay present. I find the more I pay attention to my body, the more at ease my mind is. It’s like my mind becomes absorbed with the body rather than with itself.

The practice of sitting with emotions as they evolve reminds me of yoga. Even though my yoga practice occasionally makes me uncomfortable; the more I practice the more things change. Sometimes things change for what seems like something better. Sometimes, things get worse. But the more I practice, the more I feel like I can handle whatever comes up because I have space to handle it with. I love space. As long as I can have space, I can get through anything.

We’ll see what bubbles up and through next!

Take Care,

Jeannette

 

 

Playing with my emotions: Anger & Jealousy

The more I stay in my body, the more I experience emotions that I would rather not 🙂 It’s a bit intense and I can see why I fly out so much 🙂

Anyway, this post is about anger & jealousy. The more I continue to engage my anger and jealousy the more I am noticing that an unmet need is behind it. Anger is an emotion I feel often and am quite comfortable with. I would say I am almost too comfortable being angry :(– which is why it pops up so much.  Jealousy however, I am not as comfortable with. I judge myself when jealousy pops up. When jealousy and anger pop up together, I know that I have been shorted from something very important to me. However, my challenge has been discerning whether what I am missing is in the present moment or in the past.

I often get suckered in the present moment because everything reminds me too much of the past. My life is super trigger happy. Quite often I over react or misjudge what’s in front of me because a much younger part of me that is in pain is in control of everything. I am alternatively run by a surly 5 year old and a raging 13 year old. 38 year old me usually recoils in horror and shakes her head; wondering how the fuck things got this way. When I am fully engaged, present and in my body I can discern whether what I am feeling originates in the past or the present. Then I can take appropriate action. My challenge in the moment is often staying in my body and delaying my response until I can understand what is going on and who is captain of the ship today.

When I am able to be present and discerning in my body, I can see how anger and jealousy help me. I can see they show me how to best heal and support myself. Anger shows me how I have allowed others to take advantage of me, how much that hurt and how not to do it again. Jealousy usually lets me know what I am giving away or what has been taken from me that I want to keep. Especially when coming from little me, these powerful emotions have been very helpful.

The more I am willing to listen to little me’s voice in the form of intense and powerful emotions, the more integrated I feel. The more I am able to address and heal that which hurt me in the past; the present can finally be the present and not some continually painful childhood. I am discovering that little me’s wisdom just wants to be heard and integrated. Can’t let all this suffering go to waste. It has to be good for something 🙂

Take Precious Care!

Update: Still in the body.. still working it out

The more I am in here, the more I notice things. Some of these things, I’ve known but buried because I didn’t know how to deal with them. Other things.. well I am only recently seeing for the first time. Here’s what I’ve been noticing lately.

  1. My physical alignment is wonky 🙂

I have this funky little inward rotation going on with my right leg that extends up into my torso. This is something I’ve known for a while, but have forgotten. I first discovered this when I had a regular ashtanga practice a couple of years ago. Which makes me wonder how long I have been physically neglecting my body. The more physically engaging my yoga practice becomes the more I am learning and remembering about how my body best works.

2. Parts of the childhood me that want to be witness are very like an upset childlike: intense and unrelenting.

This full on nature of an emotion or feeling that wants to be witnessed helps me determine the best way to process what I am feeling. I process emotions that are grounded in the present moment differently than how I process things coming up from the past asking to be witnessed. I would love to say that motherhood gives me all the time in the world to process everything that comes up, but I’d be a damned lie 🙂 What seems to be helping most is staying in my body, nap time and a regular physically engaging practice.

 

3. The holidays have me sooooo triggered.

I would say everything from Thanksgiving on has had me on fire in some way. All these memories and sensations hide behind present events intensifying everything. This shit has not been easy. Staying present in my body has not been easy. I have been losing myself in fantasy, watching all sorts of tv and eating gluten like it’s going out of style. These are my adult ways of coping with not being able to deal with the pain I feel. I want to say that I am doing something magical to get through. I’m not 🙂 I am seriously fucked up and trying not to spread it around 🙂 We’ll see what comes up.

 

That’s what’s going on in here. So, what’s going on in you?