All my listening, breathing, and checking in led me to pain. Pain that needed to be heard and honored. Pain that needed to offer wisdom. Friday night I fixed myself a gin and tonic, whipped out my journal and listened. To be honest, I’m still listening. There’s a lot to hear.
Given that I spent a great deal of the week building up to…. pain… I sucked at checking in. Instead of checking in, I was triggered and checked out. It was a stinky week, compounded by a lack of sleep. I don’t do well when the children don’t sleep.
This week, I look forward to coming back to myself by checking in more and napping <3
Let’s see what comes up <3
.. First trimester of pregnancy… feeling like shit… as expected… feeling a bit more evil than usual.. not quite expected… I don’t usually do evil.. But I am down right stabby.
What is unexpected is.. is watching myself getting ready to repeat a painful life pattern and trying to figure out how to make a different decision.
What’s the pattern: creating, finding, enjoying, building community….not just folks I know and publicly tolerate… but finding folks who fit all sorts of little parts of me.. supportive community that brings all sort of parts of me into expression and completion.. and then abandoning it.. for some reason or another.. sometimes.. the reason is graduation from College, or having to leave the country because I am impatient… other times the reason is petty as fuck. I have and can still be petty.
Here I sit now surrounded by black mothers. Yes it is a special heaven for me. And not just one type of Black Mother.. a variety of black women representing the richness that is the DMV 🙂 It’s a fucking party– every Wednesday. However we live in an expensive area where it can be challenging to find something nice. Do I stay here and find a way to find a needle in a haystack, or high tail it to an area further away, but more .. affordable.
This choice reminds me of all the bullshit things we tell our kids like, you’ll keep in touch with Jorge after he moves. He can come over and play or you can visit; earstwhile knowing that shit may or may not happen. Life situations change once we move. Keeping relationships is hard enough without adding kids, husbands, life and distance to the equation.
We won’t get into the schools or community portion of this situation.
I just feel like this shit is a theme in my life: I meet awesome as fuck folk and then bolt.
For once, I’d like to make a different decision. I am just not quite sure how 🙁