This week, my Mother in Law is visiting. She is amazing and Lil Boo adores her so much. Today, his first word upon waking from his nap was “Mamie” (Grandmother in French). Her joyful response was J’arrive (I’m coming). They are out strolling in the sunshine right now 🙂 She insisted that I stay at home and repose (rest)!
When she is around everyone is in a better mood. Somehow my husband seems less stressed about work, Huey naps longer and well…. I have less to do 🙂 I can actually see how family can work together in bringing each other joy and comfort. It’s a lovely, but strange feeling for me since my family isn’t really like that. We don’t cut each other, but we don’t necessarily take care of each other either. We aren’t all that close.
I find the idea of not working to earn her love or acceptance a bit baffling. I feel like I must be doing something for her, since it is simply awesome to not have to chase a toddler right now. All this space to feel like shit is amazing! I find the idea that she loves to be with her grandson comforting but strange. Not to say that my grandparents treated horribly, but yeah… Old Black Folk are usually tired and don’t have energy for ummmmm… the exuberant youth.
So, as I watch her whisk Lil Boo off to the park, I sit at home reminding myself that I am worthy of being loved whether I am slaving or now. I remind myself of how thankful I am that Lil Boo is loved by his Grandmother. I try to relax, enjoy being pregnant and find gratitude for all the loving care that I have received from her hands and heart.
Whenever she is around, my heart stretches and I learn more about just allowing myself to be loved. It’s disarming and uncomfortable. However, I know that it makes me a better person.
We’ll see what else unfolds from here.
Until next time.. take precious care!
Sometimes, I wonder what would happen with my life if I focused more on things I love to do rather than things I have to do.
When I say focusing on what I’d love to do more, it doesn’t mean ignoring responsibilities such as paying taxes and doing groceries. It means having a willingness to be motivated and inspired to do by love rather than a sense of obligation to shit that’s outside of me. In some ways, I imagine that it would make it easier to be me and to mother Lil Boo.
However this begs the question that if things come from love, would it be easier to take the bitterness of life. Even in the pain and bitterness there is always love; it’s just harder to see. If everything comes from love, even if it the result is less than loving whatever unfolds is worthwhile. Even if it’s just experience.
I feel willing to shed some ideas about who I should be to become more comfortable with who I am.. as a good friend said, being willing to define motherhood for myself rather than allowing it to be defined for me. In this way I can focus more on love, rather than obligation.
Over the past few days, while working with Wild Rose, I’ve had the oddest realization. Love has always been all around me; I just couldn’t see it. I just couldn’t understand, know, receive, perceive or feel love. There was just too much pain.
The pain comes from not knowing who or how I am. I have been lost in enmeshment with others. I confuse my own goals, values and sense of self with theirs. Then I retract in anger when I don’t or feel like I can’t express myself.
When I can honor and express myself, I don’t need to flee from others because they don’t honor who I am. When I have enough space to “let others off the hook” of allowing me to be my by attending to myself, I can see how much I am loved. Now, that doesn’t mean that they ways in which I was/am loved jive with my values, essence, morals or what have you. It doesn’t mean that I always get what I want. But it does mean that I can recognize and appreciate what others are sharing with me while I focus on taking care of myself.
The rub for me has been accepting who I am and how I be, while knowing that it’s okay if others be differently. It’s not my job to “be” for them so they can be happy or be against them so they can be happy. I don’t have to respond to that. It’s my job to be and love me. If we are on the same page about life good; let’s roll. If not, that’s fine too. All things can support and nourish our us if we allow them to. All things are valuable in their own way.
That’s all for now 🙂 Until next time..
Take Precious Care!