Proud of being angry

It was a lovely day. I spent most of it napping in the bed with our youngest son. When I wasn’t sleeping, I lazily read my favorite manga. I did much of the same for the afternoon. By the evening, I felt enlivened and revitalized. I was actually able to respond from a space of love rather than exasperation. However, within an hour all that went to shit and I got angry.

I was angry because it actually takes will power to chill because there is always something to do. I was angry because it takes work and space to calm myself down. I was angry because I was actually peaceful for once and that shit felt good! Peace radiated from my heart, infused my being and reminded me that despite everything I love. Man, I was so angry.

Then it dawned on me, I love this anger. I love this anger that protects me so fiercely. I love this anger that guards my connection to my loving self. I love this anger that wants peace, goodness and sweetness for me. I love my anger and it feels so good.

Loving my anger has allowed appreciation for other emotions to blossom as well. Anxiety is my invitation to slow down and annoyance is my reminder to use my energy and time more selfishly. I no longer feel burdened by my many many emotions. I feel cared for; which is amazing and new.

Loving and caring for myself allows me to love from a space of love rather than from detriment. I don’t really have to give until I can’t give anymore. There is no shame in caring for myself  because there are ways to refill my cup that are easy for the whole family <3

We’ll see what bubbles up next..

Take Precious Care

J

 

Third trimester shenanigans: Jinx

So, forget what I said about sleeping because the last few nights have been hit or miss 😀

Here are the revelations not sleeping has brought me.

  1. When Lil Boo doesn’t sleep, I can’t sleep. There could be a myriad of reasons why the boy ain’t falling to sleep. It could be because he’s been a bit sick lately. It could also be due to the fact that our house has been filled with stress from my husband’s work and guilt from me not being the active, play-all-day-Mother I’d like to be. He could also be outgrowing his 8pm bed time, or just sensing the impending doom of not being the only kid in the house anymore. Either way, I watch him actively refuse to nap or wait for me to come and re-tuck him in at night before he finally settles down. Shit makes me sad and anxious 🙁
  2. When my emotions are backed up, I can’t sleep. Somehow I forgot that my father’s death-anniversary is less than a month away. As I carry another son, I can’t help but feel some kind of way knowing that my father won’t get to meet this one. It breaks my heart. Lil Boo met his grandfather. Lil Boo#2 won’t. *sigh* Not to mention, I have never felt more surrounded by death. People have been posting about late term abortions, infant loss, babies being choked out in Wal-Mart. Facebook is a minefield of shit I don’t want to see.
  3. My pregnancy hormones have kicked in and I am feeling all sorts of evil. When I do actually sleep, I still feel tired, overwhelmed and like I don’t want to be bothered with shit. I love the little life inside of me, but the transition from one kid to two is a bit unnerving. There are so many what-ifs floating around my head. I completely respect and honor 1 and done 🙂

When I wake up feeling all of this, I just feel it. 3am is really the only time I have to process, so I enjoy the space to actually feel without interrupting myself. When I am done listening, I find my mind wanders from my body. I drift into sleep peacefully.

We’ll see what pops up next.

With all the crazy about these days, be sure to take precious care!

J

Reconnection

It’s been a minute…So much has happened between now and the last time I posted. I want to blame it all on pregnancy, but recreating rhythm with a toddler in tow isn’t the easiest thing in the world.  Anywho, here is what I’ve been learning the past couple of months.

Love surrounds you, if you choose to see it. 

I mean, I’m not going to act like I float around Bowie in a pink cloud. Flowers don’t bloom when I walk by. However, since moving here I’ve been feeling more loved by everything and everyone around me. Since I am actually open to being loved here in the present moment, I can see how love has always been with me. I just couldn’t see it at the time.

The present moment is all there is.

It could be pregnancy, but I am slowly becoming able to better distinguish whether the emotions I feel in the present moment come from the past or are actually rooted in the present. This information has kept me from creating drama as a means of acknowledging and working through old pain.

Children are as wise, loving and supportive as we allow them to be.

It’s easy to say this because lil Boo is no longer vomiting everywhere. However even when sick, this kid is loving, supportive and has an easy way of encouraging me and his father. It’s amazing. He’s so gentle with us in our moments of fragility. I thought that it was my job to hold this kid down, and that’s what he does for me 🙂 Motherhood is always so surprising!

Don’t fight nature when you can learn from it.  

The only nature we currently have living with us are crickets in the garage and the occasional spider or beetle. Despite all my fears, nothing has chewed it’s way in. Regularly burning oils and the local cat population have caused whatever was burrowing around and underneath the house to no longer be there. I don’t smell them anymore. In their short time, they’ve taught me to embrace things as they are. There is good and bad in everything. When I become absorbed in the bad or fight reality, I can’t see or receive what’s good. I choose not to see that I am never given more than I can  handle or manage. Life and nature has a rhythm and balance to it. The more I fear and fight; the more I throw things off balance.

 

Pregnancy is giving me more to process, but I haven’t really gotten to a space where I can write about it. I am so amazed how this second pregnancy is different than the first. Physically, spiritually and emotionally things are just different. We’ll see what unfolds from here.

Until next time,

Take Precious Care

J

 

 

Mommying Mommy: Hooray for my Mother in Law

This week, my Mother in Law is visiting. She is amazing and Lil Boo adores her so much. Today, his first word upon waking from his nap was “Mamie” (Grandmother in French). Her joyful response was J’arrive (I’m coming). They are out strolling in the sunshine right now 🙂 She insisted that I stay at home and repose (rest)!

When she is around everyone is in a better mood. Somehow my husband seems less stressed about  work, Huey naps longer and well…. I have less to do 🙂 I can actually see how family can work together in bringing each other joy and comfort. It’s a lovely, but strange feeling for me since my family isn’t really like that. We don’t cut each other, but we don’t necessarily take care of each other either. We aren’t all that close.

I find the idea of not working to earn her love or acceptance a bit baffling. I feel like I must be doing something for her, since it is simply awesome to not have to chase a toddler right now. All this space to feel like shit is amazing! I find the idea that she loves to be with her grandson comforting but strange. Not to say that my grandparents treated horribly, but yeah… Old Black Folk are usually tired and don’t have energy for ummmmm… the exuberant youth.

So, as I watch her whisk Lil Boo off to the park, I sit at home reminding myself that I am worthy of being loved whether I am slaving or now. I remind myself of how thankful I am that Lil Boo is loved by his Grandmother. I try to relax, enjoy being pregnant and find gratitude for all the loving care that I have received from her hands and heart.

Whenever she is around, my heart stretches and I learn more about just allowing myself to be loved. It’s disarming and uncomfortable. However, I know that it makes me a better person.

We’ll see what else unfolds from here.

Until next time.. take precious care!

J

 

 

Mommying Mommy: I actually have everything I want

Somehow, compassion in the morning has become a practice. When I wake up fearing that I will lose the baby, or that something bad will happen, I stop listen to my fear and have compassion for it. Often the fear isn’t about being pregnant. It’s about something I feel that I’ve missed over the years.

It feels good to be sad about the past rather than wrestling with what I really think happened. When I wrestle with what happened, I get into intentions, my perception of events and a whole other mess of details that keep me from addressing how I really feel. I can intellectually understand why and how and what was done, but it doesn’t help me feel any less angry about it. When I actually hear my fear and embrace whatever comes with it I feel better. I honestly feel less angry and more like myself.

Feeling more like who I really am brought me to a conclusion. I really have and enjoy all the loving support I’ve wanted. It’s like I woke up surrounded by really interesting people who are supportive, kind and share my interests. Not to mention I still get to enjoy relationships that span more than half my lifetime. The man I love really does love me too. He wants me to be happy just like I want him to be happy. Not to mention there is this amazing little boy I get to watch grow into a man and another little one on the way. This is the life I wanted. I wanted to feel like I belong with and to beautiful loving people. I wanted to love them and be loved by them. I wanted to nurture life and watch it grow. I get to do all the things that I have most wanted. Why stay in a past that felt loveless when there is so much love right here?

Oddly enough, I still have feelings about the past. However those feelings don’t seem to overshadow the present as much anymore. The here and now seems so much more… juicy because I can feel the difference between what is and what was.

Well.. we’ll see what comes up next..until next time..

Take Precious Care,

J

 

I’m alright with me

At some point, while wondering when my sweet son launched into toddler mode I realized that I fucking love being a Mother. My happiness is caring for my family by holding loving space for them.  I truly dig ensuring we have good nutritious food to eat, a comfy place to rest and that everyone feels loved and relates to each other harmoniously. I enjoy doing what I can to make sure that everyone in this household has whatever they need.

I am finally okay with being a mother  and realizing that this shit is what I do. It’s who I am and it’s okay. Oddly enough, I’ve always felt like I should be something else or some one else. I should be somewhere doing and saying important shit while wearing nice clothes, while people nod and do my bidding. It’s like I am supposed to be rich and in charge of something, some one somewhere. But right now, home is my happy space and shit is good. Besides, I suck at work. I never understood it. The way I am supposed to act for someone to pay me makes little since to me. To be honest, I barely hold down yoga teaching gigs.

Either way, it’s nice feeling like I am finally okay with who and how I am. I hope you are feeling okay with who and how you are too!

Until next time,

Take Precious Care,

J

Mommying Mommy: Somewhere between here and now

Despite my best efforts to be present and grounded, some days I stay in the ether. Even with little Boo, I am there but somehow not.

My attention is with this little part of me holding on. She waits in the mist and wants me to know that she is waiting because when her patience pays off, we will all rejoice.

What is she waiting for? She is waiting from my Mother. In her little suitcase there is a list (among other things that little girls would keep in suitcases). The list details all the things that her, and other parts of me have been waiting patiently to receive from my mother. She has complete faith that one day Mom will show up as the Mother she has always wanted and that they can go have tea. All will be well and I can move the fuck on from waiting..

Now this little girl isn’t alone. She representative of a contingent. There are other little me’s of varying ages all hanging out with lists. Waiting for the Mother they’ve always wanted too. Not to say that I haven’t had (or don’t presently enjoy) Mother figures, but they have their mind set on My Mother. Only she will do. I’ve offered to do for myself what they need. They have no interest in me. Even my husband will occasionally pitch in; whether he realizes it or not. They sigh, shake their head, point to their lists and contracts; obstinately waiting for her.

The fucked up thing is that I know she ain’t coming. My Mother, is a kind loving woman. She is just not the woman…. well…. we have different values, so we don’t really know how to be Mother and Daughter. I don’t know how to be her daughter because, it isn’t in me to behave the way she wants. Usually what she wants from me agitates me.  And well, I’m sure she feels rejected because I want things from her that ain’t in her. I’ve let her know this time and time again. So, instead of coming together and loving each other, we do an awkward dance where both of us end up hurt.

I want to accept the parts of me that are waiting because they deserve my loving compassion. If anything they remind me of what is important to me and how vital it is that I ensure a loving connection with the kids. I want to accept Mother also. I know she can’t give me what I seek, but she is still my Mother. There has to be some way to more fully accept what is, so I can be more present. It’s shitty to be constantly pulled between here and now.

No real solutions today. Only observations 🙂

Until next time.. Take Precious Care

J

Mommying Mommy: Have to vs Love to

Sometimes, I wonder what would happen with my life if I focused more on  things I love to do rather than things I have to do.

When I say focusing on what I’d love to do more, it doesn’t mean ignoring responsibilities such as paying taxes and doing groceries. It means having a willingness to be motivated and inspired to do by love rather than a sense of obligation to shit that’s outside of me. In some ways, I imagine that it would make it easier to be me and to mother Lil Boo.

However this begs the question that if things come from love, would it be easier to take the bitterness of life. Even in the pain and bitterness there is always love; it’s just harder to see. If everything comes from love, even if it the result is less than loving whatever unfolds is worthwhile. Even if it’s just experience.

I feel willing to shed some ideas about who I should be to become more comfortable with who I am.. as a good friend said, being willing to define motherhood for myself rather than allowing it to be defined for me. In this way I can focus more on love, rather than obligation.

Mommying Mommy: And on the inside I wig out

At a Mocha Mom’s meeting.. told to calm down.. it reminded me that there are things I can do (outside of taking copius teas and shit) to be less anxious. Going warp speed on 10 is my choice… I really can stop..

How? I can pay attention to things that cause me anxiety.. like say.. taking 10 million pregnancy tests.. and stop doing that shit right there…stuff like..doing shit I don’t want to do to be a martyr.. having crazy stupid expectations of myself. Stuff like that..

Paying attention doesn’t mean I’ll stop, but it means that I’ll at least see my own crazy making and know I can quit when I want to hahahahaha! 😉

The funny thing about this is there is shit I can’t control. The shit like.. will my child get into this expensive, hippy bougie preschool.. will this hippy bougie preschool give my child money to attend….will there be brown little boys like my son at this hippy bougie preschool, will my 1099’s arrive soon, how many people will show up to class this weekend… and on and on

There is crazy making that is my own doing, I can admit that. I am just wondering what to do about the shit I can’t do anything about. My usual plans of taking pre-emptive care of myself by randomly saying fuck it to everything fell through when I had a baby 😀 I don’t know what to do now i have no new tricks… How do I function within all of this mess?

Mommying Mommy: See what had happened was…

One morning, I woke up with the inspiration that I have given special meaning to events in my life that maybe don’t mean what I think they do.

No, that’s a lie. This inspiration came from Karen C.L. Anderson’s work. I guess this somehow proves the point. Everyday things happen. I ascribe meaning to these things that happen. Oddly enough, the meaning I ascribe to things often fit a narrative. If I choose to see things from a different light, I can shift the way I perceive myself and my life. I can begin to shift my narrative.

Now, I am not talking about selling myself horse shit in guise of fudge. I am talking about seeing the past from an adult’s perspective rather than that of a child’s. The pain, frustration and anger are still there and reasonable given the circumstances. However, there is a context that provides space for compassion and lightness that wasn’t there before.

It feels so soothing. Like peanut butter, I want to slather my new perspective all over my bitterness in hopes of creating something delicious. I can’t lie. I’ve found some yummy, but I’ve also come to see myself quite differently. I don’t feel like such a fuck up anymore. I just feel lost and forever in an odd space of transition. The messed up thing is, I can see where I lost myself too. It’s sad to see. But it also means that I can find myself again too 🙂

If anything, Motherhood gives you many opportunities to recreate and transform as your kids do. In fact, I feel like being a mother demands it in some ways. We’ll see what comes up next. Until next time…

Take precious care!

J