As part of consistently honoring my commitment to being fully engaged in present moment, I can see things I couldn’t see before. Now, it’s not like I always know what to do with that I am seeing, but when I can see something I have a little more space to make different decisions.
So, what am I seeing you may ask? Presently, I am noticing an intense amount of fear and anxiety when I am not grounded in the present moment. I can dig that my fear and anxiety are protective measures. If I can detect danger or problematic behavior I can avoid it. But not everything can be avoided. I do much better managing bad situations when I am fully grounded and engaged in my body, which is the key to all of this.
I am slowly learning that fear and anxiety are a warning that I am not fully grounded in my body in the present moment. Ungrounded Fear and anxiety come when my imagination has taken me hostage, I’ve been abusing my intuition, or I’m uncomfortable for one reason or another.
On the other hand, when I feel fear and am in my body, it’s a physical sensation that is often is rooted in my belly. When I feel anxious and am in my body it’s either in my head or belly. Not to mention that both fear and anxiety usually come with clear instructions. When fear and anxiety come and I am outside my body, all I get is panic, stress and worse case scenarios. There is nothing tangible to help keep me safe.
Oddly enough, the more I commit to being fully present in the moment, the more it feels like being present is committed to me too. Things only run awry when I abandon myself in the present moment. I am excited to see what comes up next 🙂
Take Precious Care!
Since uncovering the hornet’s nest that are my emotions, I’ve decided to do things a bit differently. Here are a few practices I’ve been playing with.
- Tapping. Before leaving bed, I tap my heart and then move on to different parts of my body. My intention is to bring myself into my body by waking it up with gentle sensations. I find that tapping different parts of my body gives me access to any emotional energy stored in that specific part.
- Grounding myself and my 7 chakras…I roll out of the bed and do a meditation that grounds my feet, hands and seven chakras.
- Setting Auric boundaries… After my chakras are grounded, I feel/envision my auric field, ground it and see it protected with plants.
- Grounding yoga practice.. Finally I find my way to my mat to practice a sequence of grounding and invigorating standing postures.
- Vigorous Yoga Practice… I enjoy a nice 45 minute vinyasa flow practice.
- Tapping before sleep.. I get into bed and tap myself until I pass out. My intention is to remember that I am coming back to my body tomorrow morning. Pre-sleep is also a great time to work out anything else that needs that didn’t get attention during the day.
What I’ve noticed…Being in my body allows me space to better negotiate my emotions when they show up or intensify. Even if I am in the middle of something with my son, I can at least notice what is going on inside of me, make a note of it and then come back to it when he naps, the babysitter arrives or the day ends.
Since I am now more connected with my body, I am noticing how much I have learned from over the years. It’s like these little pieces of wisdom and experience are suddenly accessible to me. Many different things are beginning to make sense.
Being out of integrity with myself and inside my body sucks ass. My body usually gives me very good advice and I rarely follow it. I’d rather do what others tell me ; )Thus, I have developed a have a habit of flying out my body when I am at odds with the advice that comes from within me. It’s like I try to numb the pain of making decisions that are against my own values.
As things continue to evolve, I’ll keep you posted. If you also find yourself working through your emotions, Karla McLaren’s blog is an awesome resource. Hearing your emotions can help things flow.
Take Precious care
So as I continue to ease off the crazy amount of tinctures I was taking a couple of things began to emerge namely terror, anxiety and panic.
Anxiety and I are old buddies. He’s always humming in the background; ensuring that my i’s are dotted, t’s are crossed and that all the doors are locked. Although, he’s a bit much sometimes, I always found him to be comforting and manageable when I allow him to do his thing.
However, terror and panic are new to me. At least, I thought so. After being a bit more honest with myself, I realized that the only time I wasn’t actively cycling through terror and panic was when I lived in France. So, I’ve been actively freaking the fuck out on the regular now for years.
Now my version of terror and panic aren’t about pulling my hair out and throwing things. I am sure it looks different for everyone, but my version resembles righteous anger coupled with self – destruction. I build something for myself then start to lash out at those surrounding me as if I am responding to what initiated (and still fuels) my panic and terror many moons ago. Finding myself quite embarrassed, I then self-destruct, taking everything down around me. Next I hide out and not speak to anyone for about 3 – 6 months. Rinse and repeat through out my 20’s and most of my 30’s. I can’t continue to do this with a kid.
Rather than get into the origin of my anxiety, terror and panic, I will tell you what I have been doing about it; especially since I can actually feel and see it in action these days.
- I changed my yoga practice. Since my terror and panic are on an upswing (yay!) I’ve realized that I need a more vigorous practice. Now vigorous is in the eye of the beholder, but I’ve kicked things up a notch. I have also been working with extending my exhalation when I practice pranayama–which has been awesome for those nights when I am up at 3am and pissed about it.
- I’ve been focusing on being more present in my body. It’s kind of bizarre for me to only recently notice that I have been low key freaking the fuck out for years now. If I can’t connect with myself or my feelings it means I am not fully in my body. So I start the morning off with a practice to help bring me into my body.
- I’ve been working with my personal boundaries. Meaning, since I am re-learning to be in my body, I am coming to understand how my body acts as a boundary between me and everything else. In short I am beginning to experience where I end and where you begin.
- I’ve also been asking plant spirits for help. Although I am still enjoying some herbal teas and tinctures, I’ve been calling up the divine essences of certain plants for help. For example, did you know that Yarrow is excellent at helping you create and maintain boundaries and that stinging nettles will actually defend you? I ask for their help (and a few others) every morning.
I’ve also been playing with Karla McLaren’s The Language of Emotions and Healing Trauma by Peter Levine, Phd.
As things evolve with my yoga and herbal practice I’ll keep you posted.
In the meanwhile, take precious care.