Somehow, compassion in the morning has become a practice. When I wake up fearing that I will lose the baby, or that something bad will happen, I stop listen to my fear and have compassion for it. Often the fear isn’t about being pregnant. It’s about something I feel that I’ve missed over the years.
It feels good to be sad about the past rather than wrestling with what I really think happened. When I wrestle with what happened, I get into intentions, my perception of events and a whole other mess of details that keep me from addressing how I really feel. I can intellectually understand why and how and what was done, but it doesn’t help me feel any less angry about it. When I actually hear my fear and embrace whatever comes with it I feel better. I honestly feel less angry and more like myself.
Feeling more like who I really am brought me to a conclusion. I really have and enjoy all the loving support I’ve wanted. It’s like I woke up surrounded by really interesting people who are supportive, kind and share my interests. Not to mention I still get to enjoy relationships that span more than half my lifetime. The man I love really does love me too. He wants me to be happy just like I want him to be happy. Not to mention there is this amazing little boy I get to watch grow into a man and another little one on the way. This is the life I wanted. I wanted to feel like I belong with and to beautiful loving people. I wanted to love them and be loved by them. I wanted to nurture life and watch it grow. I get to do all the things that I have most wanted. Why stay in a past that felt loveless when there is so much love right here?
Oddly enough, I still have feelings about the past. However those feelings don’t seem to overshadow the present as much anymore. The here and now seems so much more… juicy because I can feel the difference between what is and what was.
Well.. we’ll see what comes up next..until next time..
Take Precious Care,
Sometimes, I wonder what would happen with my life if I focused more on things I love to do rather than things I have to do.
When I say focusing on what I’d love to do more, it doesn’t mean ignoring responsibilities such as paying taxes and doing groceries. It means having a willingness to be motivated and inspired to do by love rather than a sense of obligation to shit that’s outside of me. In some ways, I imagine that it would make it easier to be me and to mother Lil Boo.
However this begs the question that if things come from love, would it be easier to take the bitterness of life. Even in the pain and bitterness there is always love; it’s just harder to see. If everything comes from love, even if it the result is less than loving whatever unfolds is worthwhile. Even if it’s just experience.
I feel willing to shed some ideas about who I should be to become more comfortable with who I am.. as a good friend said, being willing to define motherhood for myself rather than allowing it to be defined for me. In this way I can focus more on love, rather than obligation.
One morning, I woke up with the inspiration that I have given special meaning to events in my life that maybe don’t mean what I think they do.
No, that’s a lie. This inspiration came from Karen C.L. Anderson’s work. I guess this somehow proves the point. Everyday things happen. I ascribe meaning to these things that happen. Oddly enough, the meaning I ascribe to things often fit a narrative. If I choose to see things from a different light, I can shift the way I perceive myself and my life. I can begin to shift my narrative.
Now, I am not talking about selling myself horse shit in guise of fudge. I am talking about seeing the past from an adult’s perspective rather than that of a child’s. The pain, frustration and anger are still there and reasonable given the circumstances. However, there is a context that provides space for compassion and lightness that wasn’t there before.
It feels so soothing. Like peanut butter, I want to slather my new perspective all over my bitterness in hopes of creating something delicious. I can’t lie. I’ve found some yummy, but I’ve also come to see myself quite differently. I don’t feel like such a fuck up anymore. I just feel lost and forever in an odd space of transition. The messed up thing is, I can see where I lost myself too. It’s sad to see. But it also means that I can find myself again too 🙂
If anything, Motherhood gives you many opportunities to recreate and transform as your kids do. In fact, I feel like being a mother demands it in some ways. We’ll see what comes up next. Until next time…
Take precious care!
As I darted around the bedroom this morning an angry voice popped up in my head. She demanded that I take some time to be real with myself about where my business and my life are heading. She was insistent that I take some time to rest. She reminded me that I needed to be more mindful of all the things I take on in the hopes of being loved. These situations rarely turn out how I want/expect. She also said that I was no good to myself or anyone else if I was constantly on the verge of “fuck it”. I quickly pressed mute on this voice and hurried downstairs. I needed to make Little Boo breakfast and start the day. Everything is fine!
Now.. I so want to say that my disregarding my own wisdom is rare, but it’s not. After spending some time thinking about that voice’s advice today I realized that the voice was right.
1) I am one to volunteer to do some shit in hopes of making friends. Instead of making friends, I become doer of shit that no one else wants to do. (booooooooo!)
2) After caring for my sick husband and Little Boo, I am in dire need of me time!
3) I am on the verge of some major change. Moving forward mindfully would be helpful.
And finally 4) I give myself some excellent advice; especially when it comes to relationships with others. Why am I hell bent on not following it?
I find that I am most likely to disregard my own advice when it contradicts what I think others want from me. There is a part of me who really wants to be liked and useful–even at my own detriment. In fact I believe that this part of me likes being at it’s own detriment. This way I can act like a martyr if you don’t like me how I want you to. I mean if I can’t be liked, I should at least be a martyr :D. You don’t like me after I sacrificed all this shit for you? How dare you!! I know this sounds familiar to someone reading this post ;D.
But really, I’d like to move into a space where loving myself is more important than what others do. That shit sounds hard and a bit scary, yet liberating. We’ll see 🙂
Take Precious Care,