Update: Still in the body.. still working it out

The more I am in here, the more I notice things. Some of these things, I’ve known but buried because I didn’t know how to deal with them. Other things.. well I am only recently seeing for the first time. Here’s what I’ve been noticing lately.

  1. My physical alignment is wonky 🙂

I have this funky little inward rotation going on with my right leg that extends up into my torso. This is something I’ve known for a while, but have forgotten. I first discovered this when I had a regular ashtanga practice a couple of years ago. Which makes me wonder how long I have been physically neglecting my body. The more physically engaging my yoga practice becomes the more I am learning and remembering about how my body best works.

2. Parts of the childhood me that want to be witness are very like an upset childlike: intense and unrelenting.

This full on nature of an emotion or feeling that wants to be witnessed helps me determine the best way to process what I am feeling. I process emotions that are grounded in the present moment differently than how I process things coming up from the past asking to be witnessed. I would love to say that motherhood gives me all the time in the world to process everything that comes up, but I’d be a damned lie 🙂 What seems to be helping most is staying in my body, nap time and a regular physically engaging practice.

 

3. The holidays have me sooooo triggered.

I would say everything from Thanksgiving on has had me on fire in some way. All these memories and sensations hide behind present events intensifying everything. This shit has not been easy. Staying present in my body has not been easy. I have been losing myself in fantasy, watching all sorts of tv and eating gluten like it’s going out of style. These are my adult ways of coping with not being able to deal with the pain I feel. I want to say that I am doing something magical to get through. I’m not 🙂 I am seriously fucked up and trying not to spread it around 🙂 We’ll see what comes up.

 

That’s what’s going on in here. So, what’s going on in you?

 

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